Paper Doll

How to Organize Support for Patients and Families in Need

Posted on: July 17th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 17 Comments

The following anecdote from inspirational teacher, speaker, and author John Perricone has been making the rounds on the web:

Several years ago, I invited a Buddhist monk to speak to my senior elective class, and quite interestingly, as he entered the room, he didn’t say a word. (That caught everyone’s attention). He just walked to the board and wrote this:

“EVERYONE WANTS TO SAVE THE WORLD, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HELP MOM DO THE DISHES.”

We all laughed. But then he went on to say this to my students: “Statistically, it’s highly unlikely that any of you will ever have the opportunity to run into a burning orphanage and rescue an infant. But, in the smallest gesture of kindness — a warm smile, holding the door for the person behind you, shoveling the driveway of the elderly person next door — you have committed an act of immeasurable profundity, because to each of us, our life is our universe.”

This is my hope for you for the New Year, that by your smallest acts of kindness, you will save another’s world.

Recently, I’ve had small acts of kindness on my mind. Some friends, both near and far, have been going through difficult times, and it has had me thinking about what I can do for them, especially when I’m not close enough to help do the dishes.

Dishwashing Photo by Pavel Danilyuk

Most of the time, our goal in getting organized it to make our lives easier and prevent unfortunate things from happening. However, sometimes, through nobody’s fault, bad things happen. People get sick or injured, or family member die, or people just go through dark times, and no matter how organized they were (or we were on their behalf), life gets upended.

When that happens, when a family member or friend is in bad shape and everyone has to pull together to help take care of that individual or their family, organization is the key to making everything a little less chaotic. 

In today’s post, we’re going to look at some strategies and resources for helping when someone you know is sick or injured or recovering, and they or their household could use a little support.

ASSESS THE SITUATION

We can’t presume to know what someone else needs, even if we’ve been in the same situation, or even if we’ve helped that same person before.

An organizing client recently told me that she and her husband had needed little assistance after the birth of their first child, but experienced profound difficulties after their second was born prematurely. She was in the hospital for an extended ime, and the baby was in the NICU for months after that.

After the first birth, she needed only a little errand-running and someone to sit with the baby so she could shower or nap. After the second, she and her husband felt exhausted and overwhelmed, and needed support for everything from meals and childcare to housekeeping and someone to check if they’d paid the bills.

Most people will welcome some assistance, while others struggle with the idea of letting well-intentioned others make arrangements. So, talk to them or their caregiver to get a sense of what kind of support they will need, want, and accept. Common categories of assistance might include:

  • Grocery shopping — Depending on the individual’s or family’s preference, you may perform a weekly inventory and create a shopping list to share with others helping to cook, or you might help the family set-up and learn how to use online grocery shopping apps and arrange for delivery by someone in the support network.
  • Cooking — Whether you’re helping with meal preparation in the home, or cooking at your house and delivering, ensure that everyone’s dietary preferences and restrictions are considered. It does nobody any good to have a freezer full of pasta-based casseroles if someone has a gluten sensitivity. (As much as everyone is environmentally conscious, this is one time when using disposable containers to lessen inconvenience should be considered.)  
  • Cleaning — When you don’t feel well, messy or dirty surroundings will make everything worse. Imagine the relief of a clean bathroom and a tidy kitchen for someone spending most of their time at home or in medical settings.
  • Childcare and transportation to/from school and extracurriculars — This might be a good fit for friends who are parents of the children’s classmates, but don’t forget to invite  “aunties” and “uncles,” relatives or not. When things are stressful at home, whether there’s an illness or a new baby, getting a special day out with grownup who isn’t a parent or grandparent can make a child feel valued and like a VIP. 
  • Errand-running — Having someone who can dependably pick up prescriptions or make store returns ensures that the household can still run (somewhat) smoothly without daily stressors.
  • Pet care — Fido and Fluffy may not be able to talk about their feelings, but you know they sense that something is going on. Some people in the support network might limit their efforts to feeding and cleaning up after pets, while others might be up for taking pets on an adventure to the dog park or the groomer.

Toddler Walking Dog by Robert Eklund on Unsplash

  • Transportation to medical appointments — Imagine how uplifting it would be have a trusted friend take you to your appointments and feel, even for a little while, like the company you’re keeping with them is just a normal excursion!
  • Serving as a scribe during medical appointments — Being ill is stressful, and it’s hard to focus when you’re not feeling physically and/or mentally at your best. Having a trusted, confidential friend available to take notes, and maybe even to ask questions if you see they’re looking confused, could be a huge comfort. (It’s a plus if the person has any medical background, like a retired nurse or PA, but in a pinch, you’d be surprised how much someone picks up watching two decades of Grey’s Anatomy.)
  • Acting as entertaining/distracting company during chemo or other treatments, and during convalescence. Again, whatever someone can do to make a moment or an hour feel “normal” might be a blessing.
  • Emotional support, both for the person and their caregiver(s) — This is an especially good category for loved ones who live at a distance. Having someone in the Pacific Time Zone who’s awake and able to offer a shoulder when everyone in your time zone is asleep gives patients (and their families) the chance get what they need without feeling burdensome. Encourage people who can’t participate in more formal support schedules or visit in person to be there however they can, even if that’s a card or a texted meme. 

Read about others way to help.

How to Help Someone Who is Sick (An impressive list from the Kansas Health System)

How Not to Help a Friend in Need (New York Times)

50 Thoughtful Gift Ideas & Gestures for a Friend in Need (PrettyWellness.com)

Do not just ask, “What can I do?”

This puts the onus on someone whose mental reserves are already taxed to try to conceptualize what they need and try to feel comfortable asking for a favor. Instead, your goal is to to say, “Here are the things we’ve thought of. What are you comfortable letting us do? Is there anything we’ve forgotten that we could add to the list?”

CREATE A SUPPORT NETWORK

Even if you’re the sibling, the in-law, or the best friend, you can’t do it alone. If someone you love is going through any kind of illness, treatment, or recovery, or is otherwise in a difficult position (for example, is in grief or suffering depression), you can’t be the magic wand that solves all the problems. What you can be is a project manager so that, together, you can all maneuver that wand to make a little comforting magic.

Gather your community.

With the permission of your loved one and/or their partner or caregiver, reach out to friends, family members, neighbors, and colleagues to see who is willing and able to help. Use social media, email, texts, or phone calls to inform people what you’re trying to do and why, and ask for their support.

Make clear that you’d much rather someone take on a smaller role and be able to contribute than to take on too much and not be able to provide what’s promised when the time comes. 

Don’t presume that everyone is equally skilled and comfortable with all tasks. Provide a list of the tasksto be completed, and ask individuals to state where and when they’re able to help. People who love to cook will find it easy to “make double” when preparing meals, while those with flexible schedules and a love of kids will probably be eager to play taxi from school to ballet or soccer and then home.

Coordinate a schedule.

Once you have a group of people who are ready to help, you’ll want to establish a schedule that ensures the person you’re supporting receives consistent help without overwhelming any one individual.

This may involve setting up rotating shifts for different categories of tasks or assigning specific days to different people. Some in the network will have a great deal of flexibility while others can only help on weekends or evenings. Meet people where they are.

Communicate clearly.

Once everyone is on-board with providing support, select a method to ensure clear and open communication.

Rotary Phone by Sam Loyd on Unsplash

Different people (and definitely different generations) have decidedly varying communications preferences. Boomers and retirees might not mind phone calls, while GenZ and Millennials (and folks with jobs that require a lot of intense focus) are more likely to prefer texting or emails, so they can reply at their convenience. Create a master list with everyone’s name, phone number, email number, and preferred contact method, and if everyone is amenable, share it as a spreadsheet in Google Drive or a note in Evernote. 

Sometimes, you’ll want to communicate with the entire group rather than individuals, and email might work best. There are also online platforms (as we’ll discuss below) to help develop support calendars, allowing individuals to sign up for the tasks and times that work best for them.

Communicate with the person/family, too. If people are going to be showing up to drop off food, make sure they know the schedule, and get the OK for how things get delivered or accomplished. They may prefer that nobody come to the house before 10 a.m., or that meal deliveries come to the side/back door (which may be easier for a recovering person to access), or that they get a text ten minutes in advance of anyone showing up.

Remember the importance of privacy and confidentiality.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that being a patient, whether for an acute condition or a chronic one, means having to give up far too much privacy and dignity. Remind and encourage everyone involved to respect the individual’s confidentiality. Someone may feel great about having delivered three days of meals to the family and want to share that warm fuzzy on social media, but nobody’s humblebrag should come at the expense of another person’s privacy.

Of course, it should go without saying that only the individual you’re supporting (or, if applicable, the family) should be sharing medical updates (unless a proxy is asked to do so).

Consider crowdsourcing professional support.

Depending on the individual’s needs, the support community may want to provide funds to help accomplish professional work when the individual in crisis is unable to perform their usual tasks. Help might include a professional organizer for household functionality, a daily money manager to keep up with finances, or an academic tutor for the children.

Your network might want to gift the individual in-home massages or salon services (manicures, hair/scalp care, skin care, etc.) to boost their spirits and support their physical well-being.

Embrace flexibility.

As you likely know, health conditions can be unpredictable and do not abide by the calendar. Be prepared to adapt and reconfigure the support schedules as needs change. 

USE SUPPORT RESOURCES THAT ALREADY EXIST

There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Take advantage of resources that can complement the efforts you’re already making.

Meal and Support Scheduling Platforms

Caring Bridge — One of the best-known platforms of its kind, Caring Bridge exists to help provide updates during a health crisis. It’s like a cross between a personalized web site and social media in that family or assigned parties can create posts updating someone’s health status and needs, and others can provide supportive comments. However, Caring Bridge also has a planner that allows volunteers to offer help with all the categories described above. 

Caring Bridge is free to use, has no advertising, and is a non-profit.

Meal Train — This calendar platform lets family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues sign up to provide meals for the person/family in need. It takes a lot of the administrative weight off of whomever is project-managing the family’s support, and Meal Train provides a straightforward way to organize and coordinate meal deliveries to ensure that the patient is getting nourishment and that the household isn’t eating takeout pizza for weeks on end. 

  • Create a free Meal Train page for the person/family whom you’re supporting. 
  • Enter the dates when meals will be needed.
  • Fill in all of the preferences including favorite foods, food allergies/sensitivities, and the ideal drop-off times to avoid disturbing the patient or family.
  • Share the Meal Train link with everyone in the support network so they can sign up to provide meals.

Members of the support network might benefit from reading some of Meal Train’s helpful articles, like:

11 Trips: Meal Train Etiquette for the Savvy Participant

6 Tips for Delivering your Meal

When Dropping Off a Meal, Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Although Meal Train is free, there’s a Pro level for $15/month for groups that might need to oversee multiple support pages. For example, if your house of worship or community group makes a point of supporting families in need, Meal Train Pro is an option.

Lotsa Helping Hands — is similar to Caring Bridge and Meal Train in that it supports the creation of a caregiving community. You can organize and coordinate all of the cooking, cleaning, errand-running and other tasks described earlier in this post, and individuals can sign up to provide support based on the person’s/family’s specific needs and each individual’s capacity.

The platform includes a care calendar for volunteers to sign up for tasks, an announcement page for updating everyone on progress or setbacks, a “well wishes” pages for sending messages to the patient and family, and a photo gallery for sharing supportive pictures. 

Specialized Platforms

Not everyone makes an ideal volunteer for providing meals. But just because you (by which I mean I) can’t cook doesn’t mean you can’t provide a meal. Sure, you can use a service like Door Dash or GrubHub to dial up a person’s favorite restaurant meal and have it delivered, but sometimes you want a person to have a real home-cooked meal, even if you know they’re better off not having it cooked in your home.

To that end, I was delighted to discover Lasagna Love.

Lasagna Love provides delicious lasagnas for those in need. It might be for a patient, a family who has had a new baby, or even for someone you know who is just going through a really rough patch. Lasagna Love is a bit of a community, itself. You can:

The site describes its efforts this way (emphasis mine):

Lasagna Love is a global nonprofit and grassroots movement that aims to positively impact communities by connecting neighbors with neighbors through homemade meal delivery. We also seek to eliminate stigmas associated with asking for help when it is needed most. Our mission is simple: feed families, spread kindness, and strengthen communities.

Something tells me that the Buddhist monk in John Perricone’s classroom would approve. After all, if you’re making the lasagna for someone who needs it, it’s goes one step beyond helping Mom do the dishes. It’s may be a small act of kindness, but one with huge potential results. 

If you think you’d like to become a lasagna chef, learn how to get involved at the website and take a peek at the simple graphic, below.

Make lasagna once or become an ongoing lasagna chef or find a balance somewhere in between. Hear more directly from Rhiannon Menn, the founder:

While Lasagna Love was a brand new concept to me, the next resource is the one I’ve known about the longest, and have been gratified to recommend it to clients and others who have sought referrals.

Cleaning for a Reason — This 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization provides free home cleaning to patients battling cancer.

Cleaning for a Reason connects its trusted network of 1200 residential cleaning companies, cleaning industry volunteers, and community volunteers with cancer patients and their families to provide a clean, healthy environment.

Patients or their loved ones can apply for two free home-cleaning sessions and use this page to find a service provider. Cleaning for a Reason serves all individuals and families with any type of cancer, and patients are eligible if they’re recovering from cancer surgery, in cancer treatment, or in hospice care.

Cleaning for a Reason allows applications to be submitted by family, friends, and colleagues, as well as caregivers, doctors, and nurse navigators, but asks that you first verify that the patient is willing to accept the services.

Hear more from the founder, Debbie Sardone:

You can read about the program at the Cleaning for a Reason site and on the Facebook page.  

If someone you care about is ill or going through a difficult time, anything you do to let them know they are loved and valued will help. However, if you’re able to project-manage or volunteer by providing organized and consistent support, it will make a significant difference in their well-being during challenging times.

Whether you do the dishes, make a lasagna, organize the troops, or come armed with two boxes of tissues, it’s worth repeating: “By your smallest acts of kindness, you will save another’s world.”

Posted in Disability, Medical, Paper Organizing, Project Management, Psychological | 17 Comments »

Paper Doll Organizes Your Space, Money, and Well-Being While Traveling

Posted on: July 10th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 12 Comments

The year is now officially half over. Have you used many of your paid vacation days? Have you used any of your vacation days?

One of the signs of toxic productivity is the sense that there’s always more work to do, more things to accomplish, and that vacation time will always be there. But the human mind needs rest just as much as the body, and going without both rest and recreation is a recipe for disaster.

via GIPHY

Going without time off is called vacation deprivation, and according to Expedia’s 2023 Global Deprivation Report, Americans take 8-1/2 fewer vacation days than our global cousins, and nearly half (45%) of Americans left vacation days untaken last year. And that’s on top of the fact that we already receive fewer paid vacation days than most of the industrialized world.

Of course, even those who have vacation days and value the time off have been squeamish about traveling. (I’ll admit, I’m one of them.) COVID is still out there, and inflation means our hard-earned pennies don’t go as far.

Still, a staycation often doesn’t feel like a vacation, and getting out of Dodge for a while is a great opportunity to reset your perspective. So, let’s at least look at some options for saving time time and money and making the travel experience less stressful.

Of course, Paper Doll has covered travel-related topics before. Back in 2018, I wrote Paper Doll’s 5 Essential Lists For Planning an International Vacation.

For what it’s worth, it’s almost entirely applicable to domestic travel, too, and covers lists of:

  • What to acquire for your trip
  • What clothing and accessories to pack
  • What other essentials to pack
  • What to do before you leave
  • Important phrases (admittedly, the most “international” of the lists)

For those who prefer to listen rather than read, much of the material covered was included in two interviews I did on the (much-missed) Smead podcast, embedded in Paper Doll on the Smead Podcast: Essential Lists For Organized Travel.

Today’s post is more along the lines of “travel tidbits,” a collection of nifty options for making travel situations more organized so you can focus your attention on relaxation.

GET SOME ELBOW ROOM AT THE AIRPORT

Let’s start with stuff. As you prepare to travel, you gather a lot of stuff to keep handy — to watch, to use, to eat. But it’s not always convenient to access it.

goDesk

Have you ever tried to set up an iPad so you and your traveling companion (or your tussling tiny humans) can watch a movie? 

Have you ever tried to eat a meal balanced on your lap in the boarding area because there were no tables near the restaurants, but there were also no tables at your gate?

Do you know what’s is like to struggle to find something in your bag but there’s no place to put the items as you take out and sort through them?

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a desktop space when you’re traveling? But obviously, you don’t want to schlep around an actual desk when flying, and those beanbag-bottom laptop desk surfaces designed for when you’re sitting on your couch aren’t really workable in those teeny airport chairs. But I’ve recently found what seems like a nifty solution.

The goDesk lets you transform your rolling bag into a desk/entertainment center. 

Taking advantage of the fact that almost all modern luggage pieces, particularly carry-ons, have those collapsible/telescoping handles, the goDesk can attach to your bags telescoping handle in seconds. It gives you enough desk space to securely hold a full-sized laptop, your airport meal, your child’s tablet, or the contents of your tumbled purse.

Later, when you’re ready to board, use the on/off release knob, and goDesk detaches in seconds. It’s got a slim profile, so you can just slide it in your outer luggage pocket.

The goDesk’s unique lock/latch system makes it compatible with most 4-wheel carry-on roller luggage, and it supports up to 12 pounds. The whole unit measures 11 1/2″ wide x 10″deep  x 7/8″ high (with a 10″ x 10″ desktop surface) and ways only one pound.

There’s a flip-up media stand to use with iPads and other tablets, smart phones, or small books/notebooks, and a slide-out cup holder so you don’t have to worry about your beverage wobbling and spilling on the desktop surface (or your pricey devices).

The goDesk is made in the USA with TSA-approved materials and comes with a one-year warranty. It’s available from the goDesk website for $39.95 and ships with 2-3 day delivery. 

AVOID EXCESS FEES WHILE TRAVELING

The first time I ever did any significant traveling without my family was when I was in college. I was going to be working on a special school-sponsored project in San Francisco. Although I had a debit card and a credit card, Paper Mommy took me to AAA to get American Express-backed travelers checks, where I dutifully filled out forms and signed the checks and registered them. I was told I would then countersign them when I used them to purchase anything, and if they were lost, I could easily get them replaced, just as Karl Malden promised in all those commercials.

I don’t know anyone who uses travelers checks anymore. Most of the time, you’re going to use a credit or debit card, or something like ApplePay from the wallet in your smart phone using magic technology. But sometimes, you want to have cash on hand, whether to tip a bellhop or give money to a talented busker or just pay in local currency.

The problem? When you aren’t getting cash from your own bank’s ATM, you’re likely to have to deal with an ATM surcharge fee. However, there are a few ways around that problem.

ATM Fees/Surcharges

In the US, different ATM machines (whether they are associated with banks or not) are affiliated with ATM networks. If you look on the back of your ATM card, you’ll see the network in which it participates, and there should not be a fee if you use an ATM that is also part of that network. So, if your bank uses STAR, or PULSE, or PLUS and you find an ATM in that network, there shouldn’t be a fee. However, it’s going to take some digging to get that information and locate the right ATM, and that will add frustration and take time out of your precious vacation. 

ATM Keypad Photo by Eduardo Soares on Unsplash

Luckily, there are a few options to quickly identify which ATMs do not have surcharge fees.

The Allpoint Network has more than 55,000 fee-free ATMs. Download the app or use the website. Enter your zip code, and the Allpoint search will identify which ATMs in your vicinity do not charge a fee. Scroll through the map or list to find an ATM near your current location or in the neighborhood of where you’re planning to be. (Note: the app has a geolocator function, so you don’t have to type in your zip code, which is convenient when you’re traveling in a strange city and don’t necessarily know the zip code.)   

Similarly, you can use the ATM locator on the MoneyPass website. Type in your zip code and then click on the “Search options” button. From the drop-down, make sure “All Surcharge-Free ATMs” is checked. (Other options include deposit-taking ATMs, handicapped-accessible ATMs, and 24-hour ATMs.) You’ll be able to see your options on a map and in a list.

If you’re traveling abroad and want cash, it can be especially frustrating, as surcharges may vary from non-existent to upwards of $8. (If you have to pay a flat fee rather than a percentage, consider taking out more money but less often so you won’t be drained by excess fees.)

For foreign ATM withdrawals, try ATM Fee Saver, available in 40 countries in North, South, and Central America, Europe, Africa and the Middle East, Asia, and Australia. ATM Fee Saver’s app is available for iOS and Android. The site also has a great blog with travel-related financial advice, like this one on the 9 best ways to save foreign ATM fees.

FIND A LITTLE EXTRA HELP IF YOU NEED IT

Traveling with a disability can up-end all kinds of travel plans. Whether you’re traveling with service animals, need alternative security measures (for example, if you have an implanted or attached medical advice), or will need a wheelchair or other accommodations at your destination, you’ll need to plan ahead.

To ensure that you’re getting all the right information you need, be sure to review the following resources:

Traveling with a Disability (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) — This covers a wide variety of tasks, like contacting your physician in advance of your travel to ensure you have destination-specific care, acquiring MedicAlert jewelry or other notification-bearing items, to specialized considerations for air and cruise travel.

Traveling with a Disability (U.S. Department of Transportation) — This includes the Airline Passengers with Disabilities Bill of Rights and other helpful information.

Travel: Tips for People with Disabilities (DisabilityInfo.org)

10 Tips for Traveling With Physical Disabilities (Travel Channel)

Traveling abroad with disabilities: Here’s a post-pandemic guide (USA Today)

How to Travel with Invisible Disabilities (AARP)

6 Tour Companies Dedicated to Travelers with Disabilities (Condé Nast Traveler)

Speaking of disabilities, it’s been really gratifying to learn that great strides are being made in helping travelers living with invisible disabilities.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, invisible or hidden disabilities can refer to any type of disability that is not obvious. If you see a person in a wheelchair, using crutches, or walking with a white cane, that’s a visible disability. Invisible disabilities may relate to physical concerns that are not immediately apparent (anything from deafness to asthma, heart conditions to diabetes). But they may not be primarily physical in nature — consider Alzheimer’s, aphasia, dyslexia, autism, etc. Any of these can make traveling problematic.

Hidden Disabilities Sunflower Program

Recently, I was fascinated to learn about the Hidden Disabilities Sunflower program. This program provides lanyards with yellow sunflowers on green backgrounds to alert airport and airline workers that the person wearing one might need some extra time or assistance. Imagine how much easier it would be to have people trained to look for the lanyard rather than always having to jockey in line to request assistance for yourself or someone with whom you’re traveling!

The key is that you don’t need to disclose your specific disability to get a lanyard, nor does the lanyard say why you need help, because “why?” is beside the point. Instead, workers are trained to recognize that individiuals wearing the lanyards may need help, support, or additional time, and should ask, “How may I help?”

That said, individuals can personalize the card (for purchase at a small fee) for their lanyard with up to five different icons (of 25 available) to help identify the kind of assistance they may need. For example:

Hidden Disabilities Sunflower initially launched at the UK’s Gatwick Airport in 2016. The program has now grown to include about 216 airports worldwide in 30 nations, including 93 here in the United States (of which 19 will be launching the program soon). British Airways, Air France, and ten other airlines, along with many other businesses, have also signed on to participate in the program. 

In addition to prioritizing assistance, airports and shopping venues are developing Sunflower programs. At the Pittsburgh airport, to help individuals with sensory issues, they’ve developed a room with tunnels, wall displays, rocking chairs and special lighting to create a soothing environment. The Seattle airport has a similar Sensory Room and Interfaith Prayer area.

Learning about this reminded me of the large tunnel between concourses at the Detroit airport with psychedelic lighting, which I originally saw in 2016. On each side of the tunnel, there’s a button to push so that people with epilepsy or other sensory issues for which the tunnel would create difficulties can stop the effects. Push the button and the strobe and lighting effects cease for the period it takes to cross to the other side, then start again soon after.

So far, the Hidden Disabilities Sunflower index includes more than 900 disabilities, and there’s a form to list any that have been missed. 

The Sunflower lanyards are free. 

Find an airport or business participating in the Hidden Disabilities Sunflower program here.

If you do travel in the coming months, I hope you have a safe, serene, and organized journey.

Posted in Disability, Financial, Paper Organizing, Travel | 12 Comments »

Paper Doll and Friends Cross an Ocean for Fine Productivity Conversations

Posted on: June 26th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 12 Comments

When you love what you do, it’s easy to make connections with people involved in the same things. This is especially true for me when I get around people who like to talk about organizing and productivity. (I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk about productivity and organizing?)

DO YOU HAVE AN ORGANIZED PERSONALITY?

At the start of May, I saw that my friend, accountability partner, and friend-of-the-blog Dr. Melissa Gratias had posted that she was a guest on Jon Tromans’ Triple “T” Productivity Podcast in an episode called Productivity. It’s all in your mind! A chat with Dr Melissa Gratias. Jon’s in the UK, Melissa’s in Savannah, and the conversation was out of this world!

(You know Melissa from many posts, but especially Paper Doll Interviews Melissa Gratias, Author of Seraphina Does Everything!)

Melissa and Jon pondered the age-old question of whether we are born productive (or unproductive), or whether it’s matter of environment and training. As Melissa is a trained in psychology (she has a Ph.D. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology!) she offered insight based on “the Big Five personality traits” in the Five-Factor Model of Personality (also called The Big Five Model), and particularly the role of conscientiousness. I found this fascinating and jumped in to read more!

For those who haven’t taken a Psych class since college, the theory (which can go by the acronym CANOE or OCEAN) says that personality can generally be examined in terms of five core factors, each along a continuum:

  • Conscientiousness — You might think that being conscientious is just a good policy. However, as a character trait, one can over- (or under-) do it. Too high on the conscientiousness continuum, and you might be a perfectionist or workaholic; too low and you might give in to impulsiveness,  irresponsibility, and disorganization. The goal is to be organized, responsible, and productive without going overboard into the toxic productivity realm we’ve been talking about lately here on the blog. Melissa talked with Jon about the correlation of the conscientiousness personality trait in seeming to be “naturally” organized.
  • Agreeableness — Understandably, the continuum here ranges from those who are too trusting, selfless, and possibly even gullible on the high end to being overly suspicious, uncooperative (or — eek! — manipulative) on the low end. Someone striking a balance will be compassionate, respectful, and trustful to a logical degree. 
  • Neuroticism — Note that this refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings. Neuroticism feels like the one odd duck in the model, because one would assume you wouldn’t want to be neurotic at all! As you’d expect, at the high end of neuroticism, someone might be anxious or depressed, pessimistic, and even filled with shame. But on the low end, it’s apparently possible to have too little neuroticism, leading to a sense of shamelessness. The safe harbor here is being confident and calm, 
  • Openness to Experience — Those toward the high end may be seen as imaginative or creative, spontaneous, and curious, while those in the comfortable middle may be prefer practicality and routine, and at the low end might seem inflexible. 
  • Extraversion — The range of extraversion is wide, and someone might range from attention-seeking to reserved. Basically, you want to be out there but not too out there! (Someone should have discussed this with 7-year-old Paper Doll.)

If you’d like to read more about this model, these articles offer a good start:

Big 5 Personality Traits (Psychology Today)

Big Five Personality Traits: The 5-Factor Model Of Personality (Simply Psychology)

What Are the Big 5 Personality Traits? (Psych Central)

For what it’s worth, I did a self-test at BigFive-Test.com (having searched for a free test, I picked one at random) and got the following results. As you can see, I score highest on conscientiousness, which would seem to validate Melissa’s wise thoughts on Jon’s podcast, given my field of work. 

The results also looked at various characteristics within each trait. For example, extraversion looked at friendliness, gregariousness, assertiveness, activity level, excitement-seeking, and cheerfulness. Conscientiousness broke down the score for self-efficacy, orderliness, dutifulness, achievement-striving, self-discipline, and cautiousness.

And speaking of caution, this was just a free internet test, probably more valid than Which Grey’s Anatomy Character Are You? but not as valid as working with a psychologist or expert in this kind of testing. Also, in case you’re wondering, at least according to the internet, I’m Lexie Grey. 

Lexie Grey via GIPHY

(Even considering the dangers of the Red Wedding, something tells me I should have gone with a Game of Thrones character quiz!)

But I digress. We were talking about Jon Troman’s Triple “T” Productivity Podcast.

JON TROMANS’ CAST OF CHARACTERS

I was charmed by Jon’s interview with Melissa, which mixed fun and lively conversation with a deep dive into philosophies of productivity. Although I did not know Jon, I recognized his name as a fellow Evernote Certified Expert, and made a point to learn more about him.

The next week, he profiled a professional organizer, Lucy Milligan Wahl, owner of LMW Edits in San Francisco for the episode Maximizing Productivity through an Organised Life. A chat with Lucy Milligan Wahl.

Lucy is a NAPO colleague, and while she and Jon did discuss Evernote and organizing, I was most taken by her approach to making a symbolic (and clear) division between life and work through ritual. It was a compelling chat, and I felt like I was listening in on a cool conversation at the next table in a café.

By the next episode, Me And My Evernote With Ray Sidney-Smith, I was definitely hooked. Ray being on the podcast was a double-delight for me. First, you’ve already met my productivity buddy Ray in many Paper Doll posts, so you’ve read how much I respect him, like in Paper Doll Picks: Organizing and Productivity Podcasts. He is one of the kindest individuals I’ve ever met, with a wicked/quick/clever sense of humor, and a wisdom surrounding productivity concepts in general and Evernote and David Allen’s Getting Things Done in particular.

But Ray is also special to me because he was my very first Evernote friend. We were in the same certification class, way back in 2015, and I am always agog at how much he manages to do, because is he reminds me of that movie title, Everything Everywhere All at Once.

He works a day job, he knows everything there is to know about Evernote, he leads in-person and virtual productivity meet-ups, and as he disclosed in the episode, he’s read more than 400 productivity books! According to my Goodreads book list, I’ve read a lot, but 400?!

For what it’s worth, I messaged Ray to see if he’s got a written, sharable list of his books, but sadly no. To be honest, I’m a bit shocked he doesn’t have an Evernote note listing every title, but he’s taken my request on board and put it on his Maybe/Sometime task pile. I’ll be sure to let readers know if he comes forward with a full accounting of all of the titles!)

MEETING THE MAN HIMSELF

At this point, having listened to three of my friends and colleagues get to chat with Jon (and then going back to hear his convo with our fellow Evernote Certified Expert Vlad Campos, maker of fascinating technology, productivity, and Evernote videos), I had to let Jon know how much I appreciated his stuff.

I did a little poking around and found that, like me, he had a whole prior career in broadcasting! (You can be sure that, off-microphone, had and I have now had some rollicking conversation about that era of our lives.) He also builds websites, develop marketing campaigns, and works with businesses to improve their digital content. Plus, he hosts the Not Another Marketing Podcast that covers the whole realm of digital marketing.

On top of it all, which is what made me realize he was more than just the guy I knew from the Experts forum, he started the Taming the Trunk newsletter and community. (The “trunk,” for the uninitiated, is the Evernote elephant logo’s trunk.) And from there, I guess creating the Triple “T” (get it? “Taming the Trunk?) Productivity Podcast was a natural extension.

Jon’s located on the Welsh border in Shropshire, West Midlands, and while I did get to go to England, Wales, and Scotland on my 2019 tour of the UK, I never got that close to where he is, which is a real shame because (as you’ll hear if you listen to any of these podcast episodes) he and his charming accent are a delight! 

Once we realized all the connections between us, Jon was lovely enough to invite me on his show, and we recorded the episode, Me and my Evernote with Julie Bestry, last week. I think you’ll be able to tell that we had a ball!

Jon asked me about all my favorite topics, from my take on paper vs. digital to what I really think of the idea of scanning all of your papers. Plus, Jon’s got a short list of questions he asks all of his guests, including a knockout of a question about life advice, which gave me a chance to share the always-brilliant wisdom of Paper Mommy.

You can listen to all of these episodes at the website episode pages to which I’ve linked above or at the episode archive, but for the full experience, subscribe and listen to the Triple “T” Productivity Podcast at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, and (as they say) wherever you get your podcasts.

I invite you to listen to my episode and let me know what you think.

Posted in Paper Organizing, Productivity, Psychological | 12 Comments »

Use Your Heart, Head, and Hands to Organize During the Slow Times

Posted on: June 19th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 14 Comments

Most of time, we organize so that we can find what we need, when we need it, so we can zip along to the next thing on our list, lickety-split, so we have more time to get more done.

For most of our days, our weeks, our our lives, we zoom along like video game characters, basically PacMan eating up the dots, just trying to get to the next point in our lives. There are periods where we never feel like we have enough time.

(This video is 12 minutes. Please don’t feel obligated to watch more than a few seconds.)

Of course, there are also slow times, whether in business or in life. They fall during the chasm between Christmas and the New Year, surround long holiday weekends, and make up those lazy, hazy days of summer.

Sometimes, the days are slow because the kids have just started back to school but the rush and hubbub of after-school activities have yet to start; other times, we’ve slowed down because we’re recuperating from illness, and while too strong to take to our beds, we’re too fuzzy-headed to tackle a Zoom call. We don’t often get to pick when it’ll be slow, but slow times do come.

In fact, things might be slow for you right now. Perhaps your department just delivered a big project and is in a “pending” mode until it’s clear what the clients thing. Maybe you work for a company with a big European contingent and they start slowing down as the summer approaches (and pretty much shut down altogether in August), so there’s less (or no) urgent work. On the homefront, maybe maybe your kids are out of school and haven’t started all the activities to which you need to schlep them, like camp or summer classes.

The point is, if you’ve got a quiet slot right now (or one coming up), you’ve got three options: Freak out, give in, or find the middle path.

FREAK OUT ABOUT ALL THE FREE TIME

If you ever feel stressed about the prospect of having too much time, chances are good that you’ve gotten yourself deep into a sense of toxic productivity, a situation where you believe your value is tied to what you create, produce, or accomplish.

If that’s the case — if your friends are always telling you that you work too hard and your family (or even your manager) is pushing you to take vacation — then that’s exactly what you should do. Vacate! Take real vacation, one without email or social media, one away from your home and work obligations, and go where you can just soak up the sun and your surroundings.

So, if you’re agitated by the idea of having a slow period, put in your time-off request. Tell your bestie or your significant other to start planning a getaway. And read (or re-read) last year’s series on toxic productivity with a real accent on the essential cognitive flips (in part 2) and actionable tasks (in parts 3 and 4) that can transform your life into a more balanced, serene experience.

Toxic Productivity In the Workplace and What Comes Next

Toxic Productivity Part 2: How to Change Your Mindset

Toxic Productivity Part 3: Get Off the To-Do List Hamster Wheel 

Toxic Productivity, Part 4: Find the Flip Side of Productivity Hacks

Toxic Productivity Part 5: Technology and a Hungry Ghost

EMBRACE THE SLOWNESS AND VEG OUT

Maybe you are as burned out as the J9 toast in the grid below.

If you just made it to the end of the school year with one last nerve intact, you might feel like you have run a gauntlet. While we often talk about end-of-the-year stress and how people’s lives are overloaded from Thanksgiving up through the New Year, springtime can tip the scales as well. While introverts may be able to cocoon in winter, everyone’s expected to get more sociable as the weather gets warmer. Then there’s the stress of tax time. And, as always, there’s work.

So, if you’ve got the opportunity to veg out, sleep until mid-day on the weekends, and scroll your phone until bedtime, you might be tempted to do so.

The problem? Your summer will be over before you know it with nothing to show for it except a possibly shorter to-be-read pile (nothing wrong with that) and a tan line. Before you give in to giving in, take another look at my post Organize Your Summer So It Doesn’t Disappear So Quickly.

I’m not saying you have to set summer goals, but consider taking some time out to consider whether you want to accomplish something (anything) with your summer, and then absorb the advice in that post to move yourself along.

FIND A MIDDLE PATH TO DO MORE WITH YOUR SLOW TIME

The following suggestions aren’t designed to make you feel like you have to do more — again, we’re not aiming to generate toxic productivity. Do less of the things that wear you down. For example, embrace meals where you can toss fresh or pre-cooked items into one big bowl drizzled with a nice vinaigrette. Eat more cold things on these hot days and feel refreshed. The more time you spend outside, the less mess to be made inside the house, and the less housework there will be!

The following ideas are things you can do during the slow periods so that when work or life ramps up later, you’ll feel more enthusiastic and supported. Let’s look at how you can organize your heart, your head, and your hands.

Organize Your Heart — Show Gratitude

I’m not talking about writing the thank you notes after you get holiday or birthday gifts. (Though, if you owe those, send them now and you’ll feel like you’ve made a huge accomplishment with little effort). Get a cute box of note cards and a stack of nifty stamps from the post office, and the next time somebody does something you appreciate, dash off just a few lines. You’d be amazed what a real piece of mail in the mailbox can do for someone else’s mood and how that delight can spread from person to person. (Be the butterfly!) 

Praise and tag the author of the book you just read on social media, and leave kudos on GoodReads.

Email praise and CC: the supervisors of service providers or colleagues who go above and beyond.

Leave glowing online reviews for the companies and workers who’ve done an excellent job; your praise helps others find them.

Promote the podcasts and blog posts of the friends and colleagues who have promoted things you’ve created — and even the ones who haven’t.

Start, and keep up with, a gratitude journal, whether on paper or digitally.

There’s an abundance of research that indicates that showing gratitude helps us improve our mental and physical health. Actions related to showing gratitude release oxytocin, a hormone associated with positive emotions.

When life is going at full-tilt, you might not feel like you have the time to incorporate gratitude into every day, but if you do it in tiny fits and starts during slow periods (like summer), it will become natural and benefit you (and the beneficiaries of your gratitude) all year long. For more ideas, consider registering for Mayo Clinic’s free, virtual Discover Gratitude program.

Organize Your Head — Use Your Slow Time to Learn

I’m surprised I hear, “How did you know that?” from everyone from clients to Paper Mommy, and I’m always perplexed. Certainly, some flotsam and jetsam in my brain gets there by unknown travels, but usually, it’s because I’ve chosen to focus on a topic and read different approaches.

Most often, it’s not about learning a fact, but about understanding how thing interrelate, and I find that the point at which you have read just enough about a subject such that your brain goes, “Oh, right, I know that, and next they’re going to say…” is the point at which you know enough that you could explain the subject to someone else. That’s when you know things sufficiently.

Pick a topic. Google it. (If it’s a fast-paced topic in the news, use the “Tools” button to select only things written in the last year, month, or week.) See if there’s a Wikipedia entry. Ask ChatGPT to tell you the basics (but understand that it’s experimental and only has information from prior to mid-2021). 

Every time another blogger or journalist mentions a book or an expert, write down the title or name. Then get library books on the topic, so you haven’t added to your permanent clutter unless you find the resource useful.

Take advantage of online learning resources. If you want to learn science, history, or literature, jump into the amazing array of offerings at Crash Course‘s YouTube channel. (The World History course units are captivating, but if you prefer anything from botany to business, economics to linguistics, there’s something for you.)

You can learn to code for free at Codecademy or get ahead in the math, science, arts, and humanities your kids will be learning next year by visiting Khan Academy. And, of course, there are always podcasts and TEDTalks.

And all the while, capture your understanding in notes. Keep a notebook or use Evernote, but log the main concepts, the things that aren’t obvious. Whether you’re trying to learn a particular technological tool, or an aspect of history, or a technique for your profession, writing down what you’ve learned will help cement the finer points. Keep a learning journal!

The point is, there’s always the excuse that we don’t have enough time. But if things are (or get) slow, having these kinds of activities in your back pocket will allow you to be intentional with your newly available time.

Organize Your Hands — Tidy Your Tech

OK, technology isn’t actually your hand, but your tech is never far from your hands, whether it’s a phone in your palm or a keyboard under your fingertips. So much of your life is spent dealing with the clutter of these technological giants.

When work is slow, it’s a great opportunity to tackle organizing tasks that often get overlooked during busier periods. Whether you’ve got a quiet two hours while the rest of the afternoon yawns ahead of you or just keep finding pockets of time, the slow bits of your life are the perfect moments to clear out the aspects of your technology that normally slow you down.

Do one or more of these tasks in a chunk of time, or take five minutes when the phone isn’t ringing; it’s up to you!

Clear out your email inbox. 

Mail App photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash  

Do a search in your inbox for “unsubscribe” (sometimes it’s written in white on white, serving as invisible ink to keep you from saying goodbye) and unsubscribe from anything you find yourself never reading.

Create homes for emails. Set up a simple hierarchy of subfolders with names of major projects, client names, etc. Having a place for emails to safely, dependably live will encourage you to manually or automatically route necessary them out of your inbox. Don’t feel like you should save all emails. Unless you have to prove that the sender acknowledged receipt or authorized something, you can delete emails just say “Thanks” or “okey-dokey.”

Set up filters or use the Rules function built into your email platform to automatically sort mailing lists to one sub-folder, anything you’re always CCed on even though you know it’s got nothing to do with you to another, and so on. Get the non-essentials in your inbox out of it. 

Add emails with meeting links to your calendar, then put the email in a “Pending Event” folder in case you need to check something in advance of the meeting. When an email represents a task you have to do, add it to your to-do list or task app, then move the email to a folder related to that project or issue.

The less that’s in your inbox, the more managemable it will be but you won’t be as tempted to keep “checking email” or feel demoralized by clutter piling up.

Organize your digital passwords.

If you’ve got little bits of paper everywhere telling you how you can access your digital life, it’s slowing you down (and not letting you enjoy the slower times)! And if you’re using the same password everywhere, you’re slowing yourself to an eventual dead-stop if you get hacked!

Use a password manager like 1Password, Bitwarden, or Dashlane to centralize and organize your online login credentials. Then use your bits and pieces of slow time to update and strengthen weak passwords for the accounts you do you use and delete the ones that you don’t. (I started this recently and found dozens of login credentials for websites that don’t even exist anymore!)

Organize your digital files.

I’m not trying to suggest a major organizing project for your slow time; remember, the point is to make progress that will make your life easier without overdoing it.

Start with your cloud storage like Google Drive or Dropbox. Declutter by deleting anything that’s outdated and getting rid of duplicates. (I can’t tell you how often I’ve had three and sometimes even more copies of a PDF that was a “free gift” related to some online course because I attended different webinars by the same speaker.)

Once you’ve reduced your collection to what you actually want to keep, think about the categories into which they can be grouped. It’s funny, but no matter how organized someone’s hard drive might be, their cloud storage tends to be a Wild West of loose files and folders with mysterious names.  

Create an organized folder structure that makes sense to you — preferably one that matches what you’re already using on your computer — and when necessary, rename files that are confusing or mysterious.

Update your contacts.

Go through your contacts lists and purge duplicates. Check the accuracy, and make sure to save the numbers and addresses that hold the most information while dumping the ones that have only a partial piece of what you need.

Delete names you don’t need anymore. Going through my phone recently, I found a contact for “Andy Accident.” It took a few moments to realize that that’s how I listed the guy who rear-ended my car at a stoplight in January 2020! I definitely don’t need that number anymore!

The great thing about using your slow time to update your contacts list is that it reminds you of the people you know and like but haven’t chatted with in a while. Make note to call or text or email the people whose names you came across and thought, “Wow, I miss so-and-so!” and then actually DO contact them. They’ll be delighted, and it’s a great way to use those bonus minutes and hours that your slow time makes available.

Once you’ve finished with your contact lists in your devices, move on to pruning your social media accounts (including professional accounts like on LinkedIn). Delete the connections for the company you only followed to enter that one contest or people you linked with two careers ago (and only because you felt obligated). Add new contacts you’ll realize are missing as you remove the outdated or irrelevant ones. 

Eliminate app overload.

Your time has given you some breathing room, so why not make some breathing room on your devices?

The Pareto Principle says that 80% of our success comes from 20% of our efforts. That holds true in many ways; 80% of the time, we wear the same 20% of our wardrobe, kids play with the same 20% of their toys, and so on. We mostly use the same 20% of our apps. This is why letting things go from the 80% we hardly ever use makes us feel less cluttered and more productive, even though we anticipate we’ll feel anxious about having let them go, which is why they’re cluttering up our digital spaces in the first place.

Flip through your home screens on your devices and take inventory. (Just be careful not to get caught up in reading notifications or scrolling through social media!)

What apps did you download and never even try because they required setting up a login? What apps did you give up on because they were buggy? Those are the low-hanging fruit you can start deleting. Be like Elsa in Frozen and let them go!

Next, to see where you’re overusing the apps you don’t want to be using as much, check your Digital Wellbeing feature on Android or ScreenTime on iOS. Uninstall the ones that distract or drag you down.

If you’ve still got a pile of distracting apps that you can’t bear to uninstall, move them to your last home screen page to create more friction — you’ll be less likely to happen upon them when looking for your bank app.

Which are the apps you want to use all the time because of the benefits they bring to your well-being? Put them on your first screen.

Finally, organize what’s left. Drag and drop apps onto one another to make folders labeled for shopping, dining, social media, productivity apps, etc. You’re keeping those apps, just making them less obvious. This way, you’ll encounter an app only when you want to rather than when the little notification numbers pop up.

Whatever you do with these upcoming lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer, I hope you enjoy them. But if you do find long stretches of time and aren’t quite sure what to do with them, I hope the above post has given you some options to use your time well and set the stage for the next time life gets busy.

Posted in Paper Organizing, Time Management | 14 Comments »

Paper Doll’s Ultimate Guide to Legally Changing Your Name

Posted on: June 12th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 12 Comments

It’s June, the traditional month for weddings, and after weddings come honeymoons, “thank you” notes, and at least for some people, name changes. Ms. Jane Independent may become Mrs. Jane United, or even Mrs. Jane Independent-United.

Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

By the rules of etiquette, Mrs. Her-First-Name is only used for widows; instead, women were supposed to be Mrs. His-First-Name His-Last-Name, subsuming her entire identity under his.

Personally, Paper Doll does not think that is cool at all and is glad this has fallen out of fashion. Then again, Paper Doll can’t imagine ever changing my last name to that of any fella, no matter how much he resembles George Clooney, and certainly not making any part of my name disappear until my beloved has shuffled off this mortal coil.

But I digress.

WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR NAMES?

The point is that people change their legal names for many reasons:

  • Women, when marrying, often take their new spouse’s last name. They also may append the new name to their old name, with or without hyphens. This ensures that at least part of her name matches her spouse’s name, and if they have children, it creates a new, cohesive family identity.
  • Men, when marrying, can also take their spouse’s names in place of their own, but this is still uncommon. However, men changing to a mutually-hyphenated last name such that Spouse Onename and Spouse Othername jointly take the surname Onename-Othername, is becoming more common. Some couples invent new last names altogether.
  • Women, when divorcing (and, given the above name change experience, men) often change their names. Many revert to what is colloquially called their “maiden” names. (Birth name, or family name of origin sounds a little more 21st-century, eh?) However, a colleague of mine disliked her family name of origin and rather than returning to it after divorcing, chose a completely new last name. 
  • Minors may get name changes when one parent remarries, thereby creating a cohesive family identity; this may or may not be related to an actual legal adoption by the step-parent.
  • Victims/Survivors of domestic violence and/or stalking may change their names to escape danger. 
  • Some people change their names to conform to their gender identity. The Olympian formerly known as Bruce Jenner is Caitlyn Jenner. The film performer Ellen Page is Elliot Page. (Note: referring to a person by a name with which they do not identify is called “deadnaming” and it’s unkind. Please don’t do that.)
  • People change their first or last names because they just don’t like them.

Hippie Baby Boomers born to Silent Generation and Greatest Generation parents changed their names from Ethel and Norman to trippy ones like Energy and Nomad. Kids born to hippie Boomer parents changed Moonbeam to Madison or Space to Spencer. Some parents give their kids names that are so awful, they demand change. And, of course, some folks just want to separate from past connections (e.g., bad parents, bad exes, bad decisions, etc.) and change their full names.

  • Celebrities may legally change their names when they get married while continuing to perform under their prior names, giving them some separation between public and private identities. 

Studio publicity still, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Given that Elizabeth Taylor was married eight times to seven men, it would have been very confusing if her credits had changed after each honeymoon! And I’m dubious that Elizabeth Taylor Rosemond Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky would have fit on a marquee.

Cherilyn Sarkisian La Piere Bono Allman had her birth father’s name, her step-father’s name, her first and second husbands names, but in 1978 she opted to simplify things and do the paperwork one last time — and since then has been known as Cher. Perhaps if she “could turn back time,” Cher would have changed her name earlier?

Jennifer Lopez dated Ben Affleck. Later, Jennifer Garner married Ben Affleck and legally became Jennifer Affleck. And then Jennifer Lopez married Ben Affleck, and she legally became Jennifer Affleck. Meanwhile, everyone still knows Jennifer Lopez as J.Lo and Jennifer Garner as America’s Sweetheart. Yet somehow, only Ben Affleck didn’t have to worry about re-monigramming his stationery!

  • People in the Witness Protection program get their names and entire identities scrubbed. Whether they are bad guys getting off easy or good guy whistleblowers or just unfortunate witnesses, people in WitSec have one advantage. The government does the paperwork for them!

WHAT KINDS OF NAME CHANGES ARE ALLOWED?

For your signature block in your work email or for friends to mail you birthday cards or to give the Starbucks barista your name, you can give your birth name, your married name, your non-de-plume, or your nickname. (Actually, in the case of Starbucks, it doesn’t matter; they’ll either get it wrong or make up a name for you.)

GoToVan from Vancouver, Canada, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Do you have to change your name legally? In some states, just using your new name makes it legal (enough), as long as you don’t have much in the way of financial dealings or international travel or a desire to make people and organizations refer to you by your preferred name. And if you’re newly married, your marriage license might suffice.

However, when you’re struggling with identity theft, traveling internationally, or dealing with legal or financial matters, you must be able to prove that you’re really you with valid ID: Social Security cards, birth certificates, passports, etc. And for those to be kosher, you definitely need your name change to be legal.

First, know there are rules about when you can’t change your name.

  • Your name change can’t be for a fraudulent purpose or to commit a crime. If you’re on the lam or trying to avoid paying your debts to Big Eddie (or, y’know, Wells Fargo), you can’t legally change your name. You also can’t do it to escape financial or criminal liabilities, or civil litigation.
  • You can’t take celebrities’ names in order to profit off of their identities.
  • If you’ve been convicted of certain types of felonies (in some jurisdictions), you can’t change your name to avoid public scrutiny or requirements to register as a sex offender. 

Next, there are rules about what you can change your name to be. Other than Roman numerals following your name — Thurston Howell III is OK — you can’t change to a name with a numeral in it.

Of course, each state has its own regulations. In 1977, the North Dakota Supreme Court refused to allow Michael Herbert Dengler to change his name to 1069 (pronounced as “one zero six nine”, lest you think he intended something unsavory), so he moved to Minneapolis. The Minnesota Supreme Court was similarly dubious, but ruled that “Ten Sixty-Nine” would be allowable. 

You can’t change your name to a symbol. Yes, I know about Prince. But, number one, he didn’t actually change his name legally. Number two, you are not Prince. 

You also can’t change your name to something that is generally offensive. No racial epithets or slurs, no hate speech, and usually no potty-mouth words (though judges usually have some latitude with regard to that last one).

WHAT’S THE LEGAL PROCESS FOR CHANGING YOUR NAME?

Legally changing your name requires paperwork and patience. Be prepared to locate your essential documents (check out How to Replace and Organize 7 Essential Government Documents to get started) fill out forms (by hand and online), jump through investigative hoops, and then use new identifying documentation to get other identifying documentation.

You’ll also need to tell everyone you know about the change. In the pre-COVID era, the process might take six to twelve; however, courts are still so backed up that in some municipalities, it’s taking much longer.

Name Change By Court Order

Gavel: Creative Commons/U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Aspen Reid/af.mil

If you’re changing your name for any reason other than a revised marital status, you’ll have to get a court order to do so. (Changing your name because of marriage or the dissolution of one has a separate procedure — of which, more later.) 

In general, this process requires a combination of the following procedures, depending on where you live:

File a petition with the court — This involves completing paperwork which will be called some variation on the title Petition for a Name Change. Different jurisdictions have different regulations — you might have to address a civil, probate, or superior court. The petition explains the name to which you wish to change and the reason for the change.

Submit a filing fee. The filing fees in the United States vary by state, and sometimes county, and range from a low of $25 in Alabama to a high of $435 in California. (Some states have waivers for people in dire financial circumstances, so be sure to ask.)

Submit a form for a Court Order Granting Change of Name for the judge to sign.

Publish a notice of petition to the public. In general, when you change your name, you have to announce the intended name change in a number of newspapers in your community. Most commonly, you can publish these in the classified sections of “penny saver” newspapers to save money. Usually, the notice must be published multiple times over successive weeks.

Note that victims/survivors of domestic violence or sexual assault may request to have the publication element waived. Similarly, some states (including California, Colorado, Maine, and Nevada) eliminate publication requirements for name changes done to align with gender identity. Obviously, individuals in witness protection do not have to publish their notice of petition.

Once you receive an affidavit that the ad(s) have been published, submit this to the court with the other forms. (I must admit that I’m sometimes surprised that putting a notice on your Facebook or Instagram account isn’t considered adequate for this purpose. I can’t imagine anyone but private detectives and bounty hunters reading the classified of these papers that most people let moulder on their front lawns.)

Special circumstances

Fingerprint image by ar130405 from Pixabay 

In addition to the above, you may also have to:

  • File a legal backer form, authorizing notification of creditors re: name change. 
  • Undergo an FBI background check (for which you will pay a fee) if you live in Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, South Carolina, or Texas. Depending on the court you petition, a judge may require a background check in California or Maine.  
  • Have your fingerprints taken if you live in Alabama, Colorado, Maine, North Carolina, and Texas. And yes, there are additional costs.
  • Acquire an Affidavit of Consent, if required in your area. If you’re changing a minor child’s name to match the name of a new step-parent and newly-married parent, irrespective of whether the new step-parent will legally adopt the minor, you’ll need an affidavit of consent.
  • Send an Affidavit of Service of Notification to appropriate authorities if you are classified as an alien resident, a former convicted person, or an attorney. (How’s that for a strange combo platter?)
Next steps for your court order

Got all those essential forms signed and notarized by the court clerk in your jurisdiction? Scan and/or make copies and put them in a safe place (like a fireproof safe or safe deposit box) and submit the originals for approval.

You may have to attend a court hearing to defend your reason for changing your name if a creditor, ex, or busybody sees the publication of your notice and objects to the name change.

If the court approves your petition, you’ll get a court order called an Order Granting Change of Name which serves as legal proof of your name change. You’ll need this document, and usually your original birth certificate or proof of prior name, in order to make lots of other changes.

Important note: In some states, people seeking a name change due to domestic violence have the right to have their records sealed. If this is your situation, please confer with an attorney or a domestic violence agency to obtain information and assistance regarding your state’s regulations.

Name Change By Marriage (or Divorce)

Mazel tov on getting married! (Condolences…or mazel tov, depending on your feelings, if you’re getting divorced.)

Getting married doesn’t, per se, legally change one’s name, though the process is smoother than seeking a court order.

Do, however, decide in advance what you want your name to be. If your marriage license says FirstName Oldname Lastname but you intend to live as First Name Oldname (hyphen) Lastname, you’re going to have to get the license right before you can move forward.

(Honeymoon travel warning: the TSA takes name-matching seriously. If your ticket says Mrs. Madison Newname and your passport or driver’s license says Ms. Maddie Oldname, you’re at the mercy of the TSA. Don’t imagine you can roll up to Security with your the-ink-is-barely-dry marriage license, an embossed invitation, and catering bill and expect to make the flight. Book honeymoon travel under your pre-marriage name and leave the name change paperwork for when you get back.) 

If you’ve divorced, your divorce degree should serve the same purpose as a certified marriage license; be sure the divorce decree covers it if you intend to revert to the name you went by prior to your marriage. (If you decide to give up your married name after the divorce is final, petition the court for an amendment to the divorce decree.)

Name Change to Match Your Gender Identity

For people who are trans, the process involves a getting a legal name by court order, but it’s not quite as simple as described above. It’s also necessary (and sometimes complicated) to change one’s gender marker, the official designation of gender on certain state and federal documents (like driver’s licenses and passports).

Gender markers may be “male,” “female,” or “X” (for non-binary), though only Oregon allows you to petition for a change of gender marker at the time of your name change, and not all states allow a marker change. However, the federal government now recognizes X and you can change the gender marker on your passport; later in 2023, it can be changed on other documents. 

Changing a gender marker may or may not require changing your name legally. Seven states and two territories require proof of surgery, court order, or altered birth certificate to change gender marker on driver’s licenses, while fourteen states require proof of surgery or a court order to change the designation on a birth certificate. And four states (Montana, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and West Virginia) don’t allow amending gender markers on official documents. 

This can get complex, so check with your state and review the incredibly-detailed PDF Identification Documents and Transgender People: An Overview of the Name and Gender Marker Change Process in the United States for guidance. 

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOUR NEW NAME IS OFFICIAL

Once you’ve legally changed your name, there’s still more paperwork to be done — and before you can start,  you’ll have to make sure you’ve got your (paper)ducks in a row.

  • If you got married, obtain official (certified) copies of your marriage license. (You’ll know they’re official if they’ve got raised “bumpy” seals.) Request them from the municipal office where you registered and filed for your marriage license (that is, where you got married, not necessarily where you live). You’ll get one official copy as part of your licensing fee, but you’ll have to pay for extras.
  • If you filed with the court for a name change (or got divorced), obtain certified copies of the court order or divorce decree.
  • Whatever your reason for changing your name, the next steps will require proof of your former name, so before you get started, make sure you have official copies of your birth certificate, too. 

Start with Uncle Sam

Social Security Card — Contact the Social Security Administration at 800-772-1213 or go into a local office; just don’t fall for any emails or junk mail promising to get you a new card for a fee. The Social Security Administration doesn’t charge for new cards due to name charges. (Heck, you get 10 free replacement cards in a lifetime!)

Follow the prompts and the automated system will walk you through the steps for filling out an SS-5 and getting a new card. Alternatively, you can follow the instructions on the Social Security Administration’s web site. Fill out the application and provide official copies of documents proving your legal name change, your identity, and either your U.S. citizenship or immigration status. (You can also change your gender marker.)

*Note: If you immediately move to a new state after getting married or securing a court-ordered name change, the Patriot Act requires that you change the name on your Social Security card before you acquire a new driver’s license.

Passport — The U.S. Department of State has different requirements for issuing passports reflecting name changes, depending on whether one’s last passport was issued within the last year or earlier, and whether you have documentation to prove (via marriage license or court order) your name change. Review the linked page and follow the steps to determine if you can submit your documentation by mail or must apply in person, and whether there are fees associated with your situation.

Now handle state and local documents

Driver’s License — Each state has different regulations regarding how quickly you have to change your name on your license. South Carolina and Wyoming expect you to change your driver’s license to reflect your new name within ten days of your wedding, which might put a crimp in a two-week honeymoon.

Other states have similar, though less urgent, deadlines. Apparently, you can double or halve your weight, dye your hair purple, switch to blue contact lenses, or grow a beard, and their are no requirements to contact the DMV, but if you use your new name, the DMVs of the USA get uniformly cranky! Call or check your state’s web site for regulations, make an appointment (vs. attempting a walk-in), and bring certified copies of your marriage license, divorce decree, or court order.

Voter Registration Card — Contact your board of elections or pick up a voter registration form at your public library or Department of Motor Vehicles. Alternatively, visit National Mail Voter Registration Form to report a change of name on your voter registration. (Note, New Hampshire, North Dakota, and Wyoming do not participate.)

Tell Everyone Else

With the government out of the way, notify everyone else. There’s less urgency to this, especially as “officialdom” wanes; I’ve arrange the list below in declining order of importance and urgency. 

To save time filling out forms, you might want to consider acquiring a uniform name change form, such as Nolo’s Declaration of Legal Name Change. (It’s currently free.) Then notify:

  • The US Post Office — This isn’t legally required, but you’ll be getting mail in your old name and new name for a while, so make sure your mailbox label lists both or that your post office knows about the new identity. (Don’t assume that your postal carrier pays attention.)
  • Insurance companies — Update your health insurance policy and cards first, then automobile, renters/homeowners, etc.
  • Human Resources and/or Payroll at your place of employment.
  • Banks — Order checks and deposit slips bearing your new name.
  • Brokerage houses where you hold investment or retirement accounts. If you’re listed as a beneficiary on someone else’s accounts, encourage them to update their records.
  • Credit card companies 
  • Utilities and other essential services
  • Other companies with which you have accounts, particular those you pay or which pay you 
  • State or other licensing agencies for operation/ownership of firearms, boats, planes
  • Internal Revenue Service and your state and local tax authorities
  • Veteran’s Administration, if applicable
  • Offices of public assistance, like SNAP
  • Professional licensing or certification organizations
  • Friends and associates (so they know how to address you)
  • Doctors, dentists, therapists and other health professionals
  • College alumni associations
  • Clubs, gyms, and other memberships

Contact your attorney about updating your estate documents with your new name. This may include wills, health care proxies, mortgages, leases, trusts, Power of Attorney documents, etc. See How to Create, Organize, and Safeguard 5 Essential Legal and Estate Documents and The Professor and Mary Ann: 8 Other Essential Documents You Need To Create to get started.

Check your credit report at AnnualCreditReport.com to make sure nobody has fraudulently opened accounts in your old name.

If the thought of doing this all on your own gives you a headache and writer’s cramp, help is available. Many professional organizers who specialize in paper management (like me!) will sit by your side and walk you through filling out paperwork. You can also avail yourself of specialized services:

Disclaimers

Note to Canadian readers: The process in Canada varies by province, but appears to be similar (with the exception of there being no publication requirements); there are special circumstances for reclaiming an indigenous name. Please confer with legal experts in your province.

Paper Doll reminds readers that I am not a lawyer and nothing in this post should be taken as legal advice.

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