Archive for ‘Task Management’ Category

Organize Your Sleep When the Clocks Change and Beyond

Posted on: November 4th, 2024 by Julie Bestry | 14 Comments

Are you feeling wonky? If you live in North America, you turned your clocks back (or let all your digital ones do it themselves) over the weekend. (If you live in the UK, you did it a week ago. I don’t know what’s up with that, but you may still be feeling wonky.)

Although most of the negative effects of time change happen when we are springing forward to begin Daylight Saving Time, falling back to end it can still leave people struggling to wake up and feeling out of sorts for a few days, leading to some bumps in productivity.

So, if you’re feeling a little rough, don’t worry. Today’s post offers some gentle tips for feeling a little more at ease when the time on the clock and the time inside your head don’t feel friendly toward one another.

HELP YOUR BODY ADJUST TO THE TIME CHANGE

Whether you’re dealing with the time change in the spring or fall, the best way to adjust is always to shift your schedule gradually. 

Unless you’re the kind of person who misses all the reminders about the clock change and shows up an hour late (or early) to Sunday brunch, or worse, for work on Monday, you have advanced warning. When the time change is on the horizon, adjust your bedtime and waking time by ten or fifteen minutes each night for several days prior. (Make a note on your calendar to start this at the beginning of March; Daylight Saving Time starts on March 9, 2025! I’m already counting down.)

This kind of incremental approach is supposed to give your body the time to adapt. Of course, we’ve just changed the clocks, so that option is out. Still, consider the following steps for helping your body adapt to the time shift. You’ll find that these steps are generally the same ones for attaining recuperative sleep, overall.

Be the Early Bird and Get Morning Sunlight Exposure 

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m terrible at mornings. I’d happily take a flight or attend a Zoom at 3 a.m. before going to sleep, but I’d be hopeless doing the same things at 7 a.m. Early morning sunlight makes me growl. However, my science-y pals swear that natural light will help reset our internal clocks.

The research on circadian rhythms says that cycles of sunlight and nighttime darkness keep our bodies synchronized with our environment and signal our “circadian pacemakers.” This pacemaker is particularly sensitive to light in the morning and the evening, so evening light (such as we have all summer) causes a phase delay, so we don’t get tired until later and then we wake up later. Conversely, when we are exposed to bright sunlight in the morning, it causes a “phase advance,” and we start getting sleepy earlier and awaken earlier.

Sunrise Coffee Photo by Taryn Elliott

So, exposure to sunlight signals your body that it’s time to wake up; just some light permeating through your eyelids will have some kid of wakey-wakey-eggs-and-bacon-y effect. So, actually spending twenty minutes outside in the morning will help you feel less sluggish.

If the temperature allows it, take your breakfast out onto your back patio or balcony; you can enjoy your morning coffee on your front step, but if you amble out in your jammies, at least make sure you’re properly covered up as the school bus goes by. 

Improve and Optimize Your Sleep Environment

We hear it all the time: it’s important to set a consistent sleep routine.

If you’ve been living the life of a college student (or a new parent) and are all out of whack (and this has been compounded by the end of Daylight Saving Time), be patient with yourself. Know that your body will need time to adjust to whatever changes you make, but sticking to a regular bedtime and wake-up schedule (sigh, even on weekends) will improve your odds of getting better quality sleep and more of it.

Research shows that your sleep experience will improve if you consistently do the following: 

  • Keep your bedroom dark. Close your blinds or curtains. If you have old-style horizontal Venetian blinds, you may find they let in too much light. If so, try twisting them “backward” such that the curved portion faces outward. Alternatives are the more modern, wider, vertical blinds or roller shades in darker colors.

Another great option is a blackout curtain, which is designed to eliminate as much natural light as possible. Note that the longer the curtain extends from the bottom of the window toward the floor, the less light will seep out.

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If there’s a curtain gap (which always seems to happen when you’re staying in a hotel), try pinching the curtains together with clothespins or the clips of a skirt hanger.

Admittedly, if you block out all natural light, you won’t be awakened by the brightness and warmth of the sun. This increases both the importance of getting into the sunlight once you DO wake up and also necessitates a less natural method for shaking yourself out of slumber. For the latter, check out Do (Not) Be Alarmed: Paper Doll’s Wake-Up Advice for Productivity for tips on heeding that wakeup call.

Don’t forget about tiny unnatural lights. So many digital devices blink or glow. My smoke alarm has a blinking green light. Routers and DVRs and all sorts of devices have blueish glows.

In my bedroom, I have an old-fashioned Caller ID box (connected to an old-school, weighty corded landline). It blinks. Incessantly. Every time I have a message, the red light starts blinking again. Listening to the voicemail message and deleting it has no impact; I must manually clear the Caller ID box. (Sigh. It’s a tradeoff. I love the large handset of this ancient phone, but it has no caller ID. The box serves its purpose of letting me know if the inbound call is from a delightful soul or yet another robocall about my auto warranty. But that red blinking light!)   

If you’ve got bright or blinking LED lights on gadgets in your sleeping area (either at home or when traveling), consider getting a sheet of removable, adhesive blackout stickers to stem the indoor light pollution. 

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In addition to adjusting your lighting while you’re sleeping, train your body to sense the cycle of day and night by dimming your household lights as bedtime approaches. Experts say that lowering the lights helps signal your body that it’s time to wind down. Think about how you can gradually reduce your exposure to artificial lighting in the evening (without risking bumping into the furniture).  

  • Create a quiet environment. Quiet doesn’t necessarily mean silent. I prefer a combination of white noise: my central HVAC fan is turned to on (instead of auto, so I’m not constantly jarred by that thunk of it turning off) and my Rain, Rain thunderstorm app as I described in 11 Ways To Organize Your Focus With Ambient Noise. (Sometimes, what you want to focus on most is being blissfully unconscious.)

“Quiet” doesn’t only include your sleeping space, but also your mental space. Limit cognitively or emotionally intense activities before bed. Have you ever played a video game before bedtime and then found that your brain continues playing the moves in your head when you close your eyes? If you’ve spent hours reviewing a spreadsheet pre-jammy time, you might see those columns and rows and be unable to turn off your in-brain Excel.

For a few hours before bed, limit any activities that are emotionally stressful or require a high level of concentration. The goal is to avoid keeping your mind too active before bed, as that will make it harder to find your personal Sandman.

  • Maintain some chill. The experts estimate that the best temperature for sleeping is between 60° and 67°F. Obviously, if you’re shivering, it’s going to keep you awake, but experiment lowering the ambient temperature combined with your preferred number of blankets. If you’re a “hot sleeper” or are at a period in your life when you’re experiencing hot flashes — let’s call them power surges — consider cooling pillows and bedding. 
  • Keep your bedroom organized. Yes, your eyes are closed once you’re asleep, but a cluttered room presents a few obstacles to falling asleep easily, or falling back asleep after a trip to the bathroom or to check on a tiny human.

I teach my clients that “the bedroom is for sleep, rest, and intimacy.” If your bed, nightstand, and floor are covered with children’s toys, you will be distracted from all three of those purposes, and you’re more likely to step on a piece of LEGO and wail in pain, keeping you from falling back asleep and your partner from sleeping soundly.

The bedroom is for sleep, rest, and intimacy. If your bed, nightstand, and floor are covered with children's toys or office work, you will be distracted from all three purposes. Share on X

If your computer is open next to your bed, or your work desk lives in the bedroom, or your credit card bills are piled near where you sleep, the chance of disturbed sleep is higher because those items will subconsciously cue your brain to fret over them when you’re trying to fall asleep.

Declutter your bedroom so that the floor around your bed is free of tripping hazards, and so the only things visible are those that are functional or soothing. I know, it’s easier said than done, but even taking a few moments to tidy your space (and training yourself and others not to bring non-bedroom-y things into your room in the first place) will have a positive effect.

Don’t be Blue!

As we talked about in Celebrate the Global Day of Unplugging, screens (computer, phone, tablet, or TV) and particularly the blue lights of screens from your devices, can interfere with your body’s ability to produce melatonin.

Find alternatives to screens in the bedroom, and consider different pre-sleep habits that don’t involve screens. You could journal, read a tangible book, do simple stretches while listening to soothing music, memorize a poem, or practice an uncomplicated craft. Define “uncomplicated” as you choose, but needlework that doesn’t require bright task lighting is going to be better than a craft that involves scissors, glue, and (eek!) glitter.

Don’t Do the Dew — and Limit the Moonshine, Too!

You may not think that one more fizzy beverage or cup of coffee will make a big deal, but a 12-ounce cup of Mountain Dew contains around 54 milligrams of caffeine. (An eight-ounce cup of coffee has 95 milligrams of caffeine!)

Caffeine can stay in your system for hours and have a detrimental effect on your sleep, so experts suggest avoiding it after mid-afternoon. (Yeah, I know this one is a toughie. What’s a diet Coke without the oomph of caffeine?) Remember, the goal is to relax your body so that you’ll sleep well and have natural energy for work or school the next day.

The experts similarly encourage people to limit drinking alcohol in the pre-sleep hours. One might aassume alcohol encourages relaxation, but it actually disrupts the sleep cycle, making sleep less restorative. For those who choose to imbibe, know that doing so earlier in the evening will minimize the negative impact on sleep. 

Watch Out for Midnight Snacks

Experts encourage us to avoid heavy meals or snacks in the late evening. Larger meals closer to bedtime can take longer to digest and disrupt sleep.

However, if you’re hungry, that may also make it hard to fall asleep. Personally, I find that a small protein-packed snack and a tiny bit of carbs (like a handful of almonds or a few cheese and crackers stacks) helps my body find dreamland. Experiment to find what works for you.

Watch Your Daytime Habits

We tend to think of our pre-bed activities as the key to falling asleep, but getting our full eight (or more) hours requires a bevy of other self-care habits.

  • Participate in an active lifestyle — This doesn’t mean you have to train for the Olympics or spend every day at the gym. But physical activity helps you sleep better.

Consider a yoga, tai chi, or qigong regimen in the evenings as shown in the following videos, or go for an early morning walk (with the bonus of getting morning sunlight).

Bedtime Yoga with Adrienne

 

5 Minute Tai Chi Flow for a Restful Night’s Sleep

 

Qigong for Sleep with Nick Loffree

 

If you are already active, just remember to avoid vigorous exercise close to bedtime, as it can be too stimulating, making it harder to fall sleep.

  • Learn how to relax — It’s hard to conk out when our brains are focused on what’s stressing us out. However, even when we’ve cut down our mental focus on stressors, our bodies tattle on us. We hold stress in our muscles and joints.

In addition to practicing the physical relaxation techniques described in the above videos, find ways to mentally relax as you approach bedtime. Maybe you’re good at meditating — I’m not — but there are so many other options, too. Learn deep breathing exercises, journal, or take a warm bath before heading to bed. Do whatever you can, both throughout the day and as sleepy time approaches, to progressively relax your mind as well as your body.

  • Hydrate throughout the day — We live in a hydration nation. Everyone seems to have a giant water bottle named Stanley. Being well-hydrated prevents fatigue, which helps maintain overall energy levels so you can avoid late-day napping, stay active, and adapt not just to the time change but to unexpected changes in your schedule.

An Occupational Health and Safety Administration (OSHA) report, The Cognitive Effects of Proper Hydration, spells out the key benefits of staying hydrated, including improved focus and short-term encoding of memories, better long-term memory recall, and improved critical thinking skills.

Additionally, research shows that “low water consumption tends to lead to worse moods, as well as headaches, confusion, and tiredness” and better hydration makes people feel calmer and in better moods. The steadier your mood, the more likely you’ll be relaxed enough to sleep well at night.

However, slow your hydration pace as you approach bedtime so you can minimize disruptions to your sleep. (If you wake up for a bathroom break, you’ll almost certainly never get back to that steamy dream with Jason Momoa.)

Don’t stop hydrating altogether, though. Our brain tissues have no way of storing water, and our waking brains need some hydration at least every two hours to function optimally. Drink water upon awakening to help you start your day.

  • Watch out for naps — If you’ve had a rough night, a nap can help you recover, but keep it brief, to no more than 20 to 30 minutes.

Additionally, avoid napping late in the day (so, no pre-dinner snoozing), as it can interfere with your ability to fall and stay asleep at night. (If you’re feeling draggy, try drinking some cold water to pep you up!)

Instead, trying following one of the international approaches to early afternoon napping and recuperative resting that I outlined in Take a Break for Productivity — The International Perspective.

Additionally, the Mayo Clinic has some good advice for taking naps effectively in Napping: Do’s and Don’ts for Healthy Adults, and the book Take a Nap! Change Your Life. purports to change the reputation of naps for the better and help people improve their health through the right methods of napping. (You could always listen to the audiobook; worst case scenario, it’ll put you to sleep!)

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Make Waking Up in the Morning More Appealing

For some of us, no matter how hard it is to fall asleep, we can’t bear to get out of our cozy beds.  Consider organizing your resources so that whatever you have to face in the morning is desirable. Here are a few ideas:

  • A pleasant alarm — that seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? — that gently wakes you, or one set to a radio station that will make you laugh or want to sing is a great way to nudge you from sleeping to wakefulness.
  • A cozy bathrobe or dressing gown helps ease the shock of moving from your comfy bed to a house set more for cooler sleeping temperatures than warm wakey-uppies.
  • A new shower head  — TikTok kept tempting me and I finally gave in and bought one of those new filtered, hand-held shower heads. (It’s even got a doohickey so you can use it like a garden hose to clean the shower.) Whether you want a shower massage or a rainforest effect, upgrading your morning shower routine gives you something to look forward to. You may not jump out of bed, but perhaps you won’t grumble so much.
  • A breakfast fit for Sleeping Beauty — In the ideal world, Jeeves would serve breakfast in bed. Failing that, aim for some special food or beverage treats, to make the morning meal inviting for the senses.
  • Start a new morning routine — If you don’t have enough of an opportunity to read, put a good book by your breakfast setting and instead of doom-scrolling social media. Take a brisk ten-minute walk around the block instead of checking morning emails. Call your BFF (but only if she’s likely to be awake already) and develop your plans to take over the world.

Organizing your morning to do just a few things differently could yield all sorts of bonuses as the day goes on.

Organizing your morning to do just a few things differently could yield all sorts of bonuses as the day goes on. Share on X

Take Your Sleep Health Seriously

If you have more than occasional trouble falling or staying asleep, don’t take things into your own hands.

  • Don’t self-medicate. We already discussed how alcohol disrupts sleep patterns, but it’s common for frustrated sleepers to seek out other (problematic) ways to self-medicate via over-the-counter options.

Even the commonly suggested solution of melatonin supplements are not suitable for everyone. For example, melatonin can lower blood sugar, causing hypoglycemia in people with diabetes; it’s also contraindicated for people taking blood pressure medications, blood thinners, certain contraceptives, and anti-convulsant medications. (People who are pregnant or breastfeeding, or who have autoimmune or seizure disorders or clinical depression should also not take melatonin.)

  • Talk to a medical professional. Paper Doll is a professional organizer, not a sleep doctor (and I don’t play one on television). If you consistently have trouble falling or staying asleep, confer with your healthcare provider to make sure you don’t have an underlying medical condition (like sleep apnea) contributing to your difficulties. If you do learn that you have a sleep disorder, you may also want to find a sleep specialist through one of the following

American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) 

American Academy of Dental Sleep Medicine (AADSM)

Your ability to be productive and organized in the daytime depends in large part of you successfully organizing your sleep at night. Sleep well!

WHEN WILL WE BE RID THIS INFERNAL CHANGING OF THE CLOCKS?

Your phone and computer likely change their own clocks. Your oven and microwave clocks likely do not. The clocks on my cordless landlines are triggered to change when receive an inbound call! I have a relatively glucometer (for testing blood sugar) and spent Sunday morning struggling with a multi-panel instruction sheet that made me feel like I was trying to fold a 1950s Rand McNally street map! There’s a reason so many people’s VCRs used to blink 12:00 all the time. 

It’s not difficult. It’s just a little frustrating. We’re a quarter of the way into the 21st century. Shouldn’t we be past this by now?

If you are wondering why we still have to change the clocks, you’re not alone. 

Those who would rather see the clock change go the way of the dodo cite sleep disruption and the resulting loss of productivity as well as increased risk of traffic accidents (in the spring and fall), mental health struggles (including Seasonal Affective Disorder) caused by decreased post-work/school hours of sunlight, and increased crime (because bad guys prefer their evil-doing in darkness). 

The problem is that nobody can agree one whether to have permanent Standard Time (as in Hawaii and Arizona) or Permanent Daylight Saving Time. More than a dozen states have already passed legislation in support of keeping DST year-round, arguing it provides a better quality of life, with more light in the evenings. Paper Doll is generally in this camp. If you’re stuck at work all day, you probably want sunlight greeting you at the end of your workday so the winter hours don’t feel like drudgery.  However, if you’ve got little kids, you probably don’t want them waiting for the school bus in the dark every morning.

Whether we go with Standard or Daylight Saving Time, there’s no way to make everyone happy, at least not until our AI overlords can update all of our clocks (and our circadian rhythms) in one fell swoop. Perhaps that’s why, although the Sunshine Protection Act of 2023 (which would have made DST permanent as of last year) received unanimous consent from the United States Senate in March 2022, the bill has languished in the House of Representatives. Sigh. How very disorganized of them.

Assuming our leaders don’t straighten this out, we’ll be changing our clocks yet again this March, so let’s at least take an opportunity to laugh about it, courtesy of the Holderness Family.

Organize Your College-Bound Student for Grownup Life: Part 2

Posted on: August 5th, 2024 by Julie Bestry | 6 Comments


From living with strangers to not having parents and teachers overseeing study habits and self-care, college is a melange of delightful freedom and terrifying responsibility.

Last week, in Organize Your College-Bound Student for Grown-Up Life: Part 1, we reviewed the serious side of what to make sure your kids have and know before heading off to college. We covered making sure they know their Social Security number by heart, having a a handle on important contacts and key medical information, and getting registered to vote and knowing how to exercise their rights to vote.

We looked at legal documents, like Power of Attorney for Healthcare (AKA: healthcare proxy) documents, FERPA waivers, and HIPAA releases, which in combination ensure that a college student has someone they trust looped into their medical situations and able to make medical decisions if they are unable to. 

We also started developing punch lists of adulting information and skills, starting with the essentials related to financials and insurance.

And, because people pay more attention to serious things when they can take a moment to breathe, I included a few Chip Leighton “texts from college students” videos from The Leighton Show. More are peppered in this post. (As with last week, click near the lower left portion of the video to un-mute.) 

@the_leighton_show Posting one more for all the parents dropping kids off at college #teenagers #college #freshmanyear #text #funny ♬ original sound – The Leighton Show

HOW TO COMMUNICATE BEYOND TEXTS AND EMOJIS

Recently, I was surprised to find that most younger people don’t ring doorbells or knock; they text when they pull up outside. (Honestly, to keep from waking babies or making dogs go nuts, this is pretty smart!)

Gen Z students have often managed to get through life without learning some adulting skills with regard to communication and interaction. Before dropping them off on campus, make sure your kids have these skills. 

  • How to write, address, and mail a letter. Somewhere around fourth grade, they taught us how to write a “friendly” letter and a business letter, including the entire format of date, “inside address,” salutation, body, and appropriate closing. They also taught us how to address an envelope, where to put the return address, and where to place the stamp. Apparently, this is not taught anymore, as evidence by various Reddit threads, including the one below.

  • How to sign their name in cursive. Some elementary schools stopped teaching cursive in 2010, though there now seems to be a backlash against the removal. Whether or not your student knows how to write (even remotely legibly) in cursive, make sure they understand how to sign their legal name. 
  • How to write a grown-up, professional email. Use a clear subject line that indicates the purpose of the message. Write in full, grammatically-correct sentences. Spell check. Don’t use emoji or slang. (Seriously, no cap.) Except in a rare case when asked to do so, don’t address female professors as “Mrs.” That’s a social honorific, and this isn’t kindergarten. They’re either Professor or Doctor or (if TAs or adjuncts) Ms. (unless they ask you to use their first name). Don’t address professors of any gender as “Bro” or “Dude.”  (This goes for verbal communication, too!)
  • How to schedule an appointment (and how to reschedule or cancel one) — Your kid knows how to log into a web site and pick a time slot, but Gen Z is particularly phone-averse. Role play with them how to make a call to request an appointment with a doctor or dentist, to get their hair cut, to have their car evaluated or repaired, etc. Teach them how to summarize why they’re calling (whether to a gatekeeper or for voicemail).
  • How to leave voicemail — Guide them not to say, “Um, so this is Joe. I need you to call me back” without any hint of why. Young people are often nervous about calling strangers, so they should plan the message, mentally or even in writing.  Encourage them to think about why they’re calling — and what result (information? permission? assistance?) they need.

This is good advice for grownups, too, especially those suffer from social anxiety. Practice eases the process. State your name, phone number, and reason for calling so the recipient can do their legwork and get back to you at their convenience without wasting their time (or yours on a cycle of call tag).

  • How to write a thank you note — In case it’s been a while since you impressed upon your child the importance (and power) of this habit, share a classic Paper Doll post, Gratitude, Mr. Rogers, and How To Organize a Thank You Note and remind them, once again, that grandparents are more likely to send gifts (money? Apple gift cards? freshly baked cookies?) when thanked for their actions.
  • How to apologize authentically and effectively — Whether your student eats her roommate’s last yogurt or commits a more unpardonable act, don’t let kids go off to college without this essential life skill. Make sure they understand that “I’m sorry you got mad” is not an apology.

There’s an easy formula:

    • Use the words, “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”
    • Take responsibility and state what you actually did wrong.
    • Illustrate that you understood the impact of your actions on the other individual.
    • Explain how you’ll ensure it won’t happen again, or show how you’ll make reparations.

STAY SAFE, ON CAMPUS AND OFF

There will likely be a safety workshop during orientation week. Encourage your student to attend and to understand what kind of built-in infrastructure the campus has for safety. 

Be Safe When Walking Around

When I attended college, we had a Blue Light service, poles throughout campus with blue lights at the top and telephones connected to Campus Safety. You could make a direct call (without a coin) or just hit the handsets as you ran from a horror movie monster (let’s ignore the more serious alternative) and campus safety peer volunteers and personnel would come out in force. There were also free “blue light buses” on campus to ferry people home safely at night. I was delighted to find out that this system is still in place, with some modern tech additions.

Nowadays, most campuses have high-end safety systems and apps. Still, encourage students to program the campus security number into their phones and know how to request an official campus peer escort. Other advice to impart:

  • Don’t walk alone, especially at night. Take heavily-trafficked routes with good lighting.
  • Let your roommate or BFF know where you are headed, and program your phone to share your real-time location (one time or ongoing) and ETA:

  • You’re probably not going to convince your college kid to never ride with strangers, but you can fund an Uber or Lyft account to make it easier to get home if they’ve gone to a concert or club off campus. You may also want to discuss GrownandFlown.com’s The 7 Ride Share Safety Tips Every Teen Needs to Know.

Be Safe in Your Dorm and When Out and About

  • Lock your room when not in it (so you don’t walk in to any surprises), or when you are, but lots of others aren’t around. 
  • Close and lock your windows when you are sleeping or not in your dorm, especially if you’re on the ground floor.
  • Program campus housing numbers into phones.You might be locked out of the dorm without keys or key cards or wallet, but nobody goes anywhere without their phones anymore.

Hopefully, you’ve had lots of conversations with your teen about how to have situational awareness when walking around (or studying, especially alone), how to be safe at parties, and how to figure out whom to trust. These kinds of skills can take many years to develop, but open conversations are the beginning.

This is an organizing blog, not a parenting blog, but I fervently hope that just as many parents will teach their sons the importance of not victimizing as they teach their daughters how not to be victims.

For more in-depth advice, You may also want to share:

Be Safe During Emergencies

Personal safety doesn’t just include watching out for bad guys. Your kids had fire drills in school, but they’re used to following an grownups instructions. Now that they’re the grownups, make sure they know:

  • How and when to call 911 vs. the police non-emergency line vs. the campus health center vs. the resident hall director).
  • When to go to the ER vs. urgent care, or the health center, or a family doctor (or to call the health insurance Ask-A-Nurse line…or Dr. Mom)
  • How to use a fire extinguisher. When I visited my old campus for my reunion in June, I saw that fire extinguishers had changed; they were neither the massively heavy ones I recalled from my youth nor the can-of-whipped-cream style I have at home. Have them read the instructions.
  • Pay attention to the exits when entering classroom or building, and know the safe exit path for the dorm.

While it’s designed primarily for families, your student might find Paper Doll Organizes You To Prepare for an Emergency to be a useful starting point.

Be Safe When Interacting with the Police

If you or anyone in your family or close circle is Black (or you’ve ever watched a Shonda Rhimes show), you almost certainly know about The Talk and have had it, and multiple iterations of it, before sending a child to college. 

However, if you are not a member of a visible minority, your have probably been privileged to not have to think about this. Role-model and practice so your college-bound student knows what to do if they are stopped while driving, riding, or walking — or if the police come to their dorms to make inquiries — or if they participate in a campus protest. 

If you watch police procedurals, you’re probably familiar with the concept of swatting, the practice of making a prank call to emergency services in order to get armed police officers dispatched to someone’s address. It happens to congressional representatives and judges, but it also happens to random people, including college students. It apparently started with online gamers being targeted by others playing the game.

Almost nobody gets through life without interacting with police officers, and whether it’s municipal police or campus security, student needs a skill set for handling potentially scary interactions. 

Again, this post is about organizing adulting skill sets. Beyond, “stay calm and don’t escalate,” I won’t advise you regarding what you should tell your children, but encourage you to talk to them about how to do it safely and with some starting points:

HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AT COLLEGE

Nobody gets to college without having had a booboo or a cold or a stomach bug, but a lot of parents find that their newly independent children experience a sense of amnesia once any of these things happen at college. Use the following as prompts to make sure your kids are ready for dealing with the owies of adult life.

Be Prepared for Medical Ickiness

Everyone eventually gets the crud, and being away from home makes it worse. However, knowing how to handle the experience makes having the yuckies marginally better. Make sure students know:

  • How to treat a sore throat, toothache, upset stomach (and related intestinal distresses) and minor viruses.
  • How to recognize symptoms (like a high fever) requiring professional medical intervention.
  • How the dosage on OTC and prescription medicine works. There’s a reason why it says “take no more than X in 24 hours” — because people thought X “in one day” meant they could have X at 11:45 p.m. and again at 12:15 a.m. Medication doesn’t follow a calendar.
  • How to fill and refill a prescription — If you’ve always done it for them, your student may not know about prescription numbers or number of refills available.
  • How to take maintenance medication or perform health activities without you having to remind them — You won’t be able to ask, “Did you take your ADHD meds today?” or “How many times did you check your blood glucose today?” Your student knows how to set an alarm on the phone, but walking them through how to label the alarms to make it clear which meds are for that specific alarm could help. Even “experienced” adults with established schedules forget to take meds when on vacation; college schedules are stress-inducing and can lead to forgetting, so help them help themselves.
  • Where the nearest 24-hour pharmacy is, before they need it — At some point, your student will need Pepto or condoms or feminine sanitary products or a COVID test at 3 a.m. Being prepared is half the battle.
  • How to do First Aid — Not everybody was a scout. I’m often shocked by people (OK, men. It’s always men) who don’t know how to properly clean a small wound, remove a splinter, or put on a bandage. You can’t anticipate everything — minor and major — need to know, so share the National Safety Council’s First Aid Video Library link. It’s impressive.
  • How to fill out health insurance forms at the doctor’s office. — Seriously, your kid should know their blood type without having to call and ask you. (That’s why I told you last week to give them copies of their medical history information.)

Booboo Bear Photo by Pixabay

How to Deal with College Life Ickiness

  • How to safely drink/consume things you’d prefer they didn’t partake of at all. 
  • How to help a friend who has unwisely or unsafely imbibed or consumed something. This might range from treating hangovers to knowing how to use NARCAN to the calling 911!
  • How basic hygiene works. Wash hands! — Feel like you shouldn’t have to explain this to an adult? Reread Organize Your Health: Parental Wisdom, Innovation, and the New Time Timer® Wash. Yes, it’s from the first year of COVID, but the unfathomable reminder that people forget to wash their hands is timeless.
  • Wash water bottles. — We didn’t even have bottled water when I was in college. Now, Stanley cups (not the hockey kind) are everywhere. And no, just because there’s only water in it doesn’t mean it’s clean. Microbes are icky. (Secret cleaning trick? Denture tablets!)

How to Deal with Grown-Up Issues

I hope you and your student have the kind of relationship where you can discuss “adult” things without (too much) awkwardness. I was lucky that Paper Mommy always made a safe space to talk about difficult issues, but not everyone has that ability (or that parent).

You may have had that other version of “The Talk” with your student in adolescence, but whether you’re dealing with reproductive care or mental health or anything sensitive, at the very least encourage your college-bound student to talk. Say that you hope they’ll talk to you, but even if not, that there are many safe places (starting with the campus health center) to find accurate information and supportive care. Some of the issues they may need to contend with include:

  • Safe sex 
    • How to use contraception properly
    • How to say no, at any point in the process, and maintain healthy boundaries 
    • How to be secure consent and step back if there is no consent
  • Mental health
    • How to recognize the signs of depression or anxiety (or other mental health concerns) in themselves and their friends, including social isolation or an increase in risky behaviors, or changes in academic performance, mood, sleep or eating habits, or personal hygiene.
    • Where to seek mental health help, on campus or virtually
  • Self-care — Remind your beloved child of their options for caring for their mental health,  including:
    • taking breaks
    • exercising
    • getting out in nature
    • talking to friends
    • journaling
    • calling home
    • speaking with a therapist
    • understanding that everyone has problems, they are manageable, and there is support available

For your purposes, peruse Empowering Wellness: Supporting Freshman Health and Well-Being from College Parents of America, and perhaps get your kid a copy of something like  The Greatest College Health Guide You Never Knew You Needed: How to Manage Food, Booze, Stress, Sex, Sleep, and Exercise on Campus before they leave for campus.

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How to Stay Marginally Fit and Well-Fed at College

When I was in college in the late 1980s, except for student athletes, almost nobody went to the gym except for a required physical education class. I had to pass a swim test and take two gym classes. I took bowling and yoga. I got marginally better at bowling. Yoga was in the (padded) wrestling room on the other side of campus at 8 a.m. I have zero memories of it. Modern gym classes have come a long way from the choice of sports or Jane Fonda-level aerobics.

Your student may follow every bit of wisdom you’ve provided for the past 18 years. They may eat colorful fruits and vegetables at every meal; they probably won’t get scurvy.

They may take a fun workout class with friends; they may get the bare minimum movement just walking to class. They may waste the money you’ve spent on a 3-meals a day/7 days a week meal plan and eat leftover pizza every morning.

You cannot control this.

There are serious issues, like eating disorders; there are far less issues about which you should not make a big deal, like the freshman 15. For now, just make sure they have the skills that will help them make their best decisions, and then back off. 

  • How to read nutrition labels — I find that women my age have spent so much of our lives reading these, we forget that lots of teen girls don’t scrutinize these labels, and that teen boys (unless they are wrestlers) often have never even glanced at them. Explain the key concepts.
  • The value of eating calories and not drinking them — This applies to alcohol as well as soft drinks. Try to encourage getting calories from things that require chewing.
  • Understand food safety and kitchen hygiene — The USDA’s Food Safety Tips for College Students is a good start.

When your student leaves the dorm and meal plan behind and gets an off-campus apartment, you can discuss how to meal plan to save time during the week, and how to shop on a budget and understand the value of generic/store-brand food products vs. brand names. That’s next summer’s problem.

@the_leighton_show Your comments do not disappoint #freshman #collegelife #text #son #daughter #dad #mom #parentsoftiktok #humor #greenscreen ♬ original sound – The Leighton Show

HOW TO MASTER LAUNDRY AT COLLEGE

In 1985, my friend Paul’s mother created a double-sided set of laundry instructions, laminated it, and attached it with rivets and cords to his laundry bag. It was genius.

Whether your kids do laundry all the time at home or they call detergent and fabric softener “sauces,” there will be college laundry catastrophes. At least try to:

  • Identify what they own must be dry cleaned or hand washed (and then discourage them from taking those items to college).
  • Explain the basics of separating new, colorful clothes from whites to avoid a pink wardrobe.
  • Practice using the iPhone’s Visual Lookup to identify laundry symbols and explain care instructions. 

  • Remind them to empty pockets before washing things.
  • Remind them how good it feels to sleep on freshly laundered sheets when they’re stressed or sick. (They won’t wash sheets and towels as often as you do at home, but this may help.)
  • Go to the laundry room in the dorm on move-in day and explain anything that’s different from your washer/dryer at home. The detergent slot may be in a different place; the lint trap may be weirdly located.
  • Some college laundry facilities use plastic reloadable cards for access; others have apps. Still, many dorms (and almost all laundromats) require quarters. Hand off a few rolls of quarters and they’re less likely to come home at Thanksgiving with a semester’s worth of laundry.
  • Read (and encourage them to read) a post from the Paper Doll vault,  5 “Real Simple” Reasons We Don’t Get the Laundry (or Paperwork) Done. It’s about laundry, but it’s also about productivity. It couldn’t hurt. 

There’s a fine line between being a helicopter parent and making sure your kid doesn’t have to be airlifted out of a dangerous situation. Hopefully this series is helping you identify what remains to be discussed with your student.

Next time, we’ll finish off with tips on how to help them:

  • Develop time management skills to keep the student and work and social balls in the air
  • Achieve academically without a guidance counselor, study hall, or a scheduled lunch period
  • Keep the car from breaking down before making it back into the driveway for Thanksgiving
  • Acquire random life skills so your student’s roommate doesn’t think you’ve dropped off an alien

See you next time.

52 Ways to Say NO to a Request So You Can Say YES to Your Priorities

Posted on: May 20th, 2024 by Julie Bestry | 14 Comments

Do you ever find yourself avoiding contact with other people out of sheer self-preservation and fear that they’ll ask you to add one more unfulfilling task or obligation? 

Recently, I read Ali Abdaal’s Feel Good Productivity: How To Do More of What Matters To You. The book serves as a sort of primer on the various macro and micro productivity concepts and strategies that we discuss at the Paper Doll blog. The book accents engaging in tasks that will increase your energy rather than drain it.

Abdaal’s idea of an “energy investment portfolio” particularly caught my attention. At its most basic, the energy investment portfolio is a deeply prioritized and categorized plan of attack, such as we reviewed when talking about the Eisenhower Matrix in posts like Use the Rule of 3 to Improve Your Productivity and Frogs, Tomatoes, and Bees: Time Techniques to Get Things Done.

Part of this approach is based in clarifying which of the things on your list are your someday “dream”  investments (your big, ambitious projects for which you likely have little time right now) and your “active investments” (projects and tasks which you are or should be giving your greatest attention right now). 

The key to Abdaal’s energy investment portfolio, an homage to a financial investment portfolio, is  limiting the number of projects on your list of “active investments.” There’s only so much you can do right now, and those things better energize you if you don’t want to hide from them.

To explore this concept more before dipping into the book, check out Abdaal’s The Energy Investment Portfolio article and the video below:

This popped to the forefront of my mind as I started reading Cal Newport’s newest book, Slow Productivity: The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout. (Slow productivity, like the slow food, slow media, and slow travel movements, is about improving life by cutting back on speed and excess, and instead focusing on intentionality and quality.)

Newton caught my eye with an extended discussion of my beloved Jane Austen. Most biographies always paint her as successful because she would sneak in writing efforts in the precious few quiet moments she had to herself. Newport notes that her nephew James Austen’s descriptions of Austen’s writing style seem “to endorse a model of production in which better results require you to squeeze ever more work into your schedule” and calls this a myth. 

Indeed, modern biographers have found the reverse, that Austen “was not an exemplar of grind-it-out busyness, but instead a powerful case study of something quite different: a slower approach to productivity.”

As true Austen aficionados know, once Austen (as well as her sister and elderly mother) moved from Southhampton to quiet Chawton cottage, she was able to escape most societal obligations and focus on writing. Quoting from Newton:

This lesson, that doing less can enable better results, defies our contemporary bias toward activity, based on the belief that doing more keeps our options open and generates more opportunities for reward. But recall that busy Jane Austen was neither happy nor producing memorable work, while unburdened Jane Austen, writing contentedly at Chawton cottage, transformed English literature. 

Dubious? Look at the entries on this Jane Austen timeline, starting from 1806 onward! And let’s face it, without Austen, there would be no inspired homages, like Bridgerton, and for any of you who just spent the weekend transfixed by the first half of season three, that’s a fate not worth contemplating.

I’m sure I’ll have more to share about this book as I get further on, but I was captivated by the chapter on Newport’s first principle of slow productivity, based on this finding. Principle #1 is simply Do Fewer Things.

Strive to reduce your obligations to the point where you can easily imagine accomplishing them with time to spare. Leverage this reduced load to more fully embrace and advance the small number of projects that matter most.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO

From Abdaal and Newton to past Paper Doll posts, we know we have to focus our attention on fewer but more rewarding things. 

We must learn to emphatically say NO.

Yes, you have to pay your taxes (or be prepared to suffer the consequences). You have to obey traffic laws. (Ditto). You have to feed your children (or at least arrange for them to be nourished).

But you do not have to be in charge of cleaning out your company’s break room fridge.

You do not have to buy your spouse’s birthday gift for your mother-in-law. (That’s your spouse’s job.)

You do not have to join a book club or serve on your homeowner association’s planning committee or go to dinner with someone you really don’t want to date!

There are various situations when we should be saying no to taking on new obligations.

  • You have more on your plate than you can handle comfortably (or safely for your mental or physical health).
  • Your energy level is depleted (or you believe it would be depleted) by anything being added to your obligations.
  • The new task doesn’t fit your skill set or interests.
  • The task is unappealing because of the situation (the location, other people involved, the monetary cost)
  • You just don’t wanna.

In a perfect world, “I don’t wanna” would be a good enough excuse for saying no to things outside of work obligations or happily-agreed-upon life obligations. But few of us can get away with it, Phoebe Buffay excepted.

THE POWER OF SAYING NO

Organizing is as much about saying no as saying yes. Thus, I help clients determine what tangible possessions belong in their spaces and their lives, and which don’t. Some acquisitions were wisely planned purchases; others were picked up on impulse. Some are gifts given out of love, while others were given out of a sense of obligation. Still other things were abandoned on our metaphorical doorsteps (or, in the case of grown children who have flown the nest, things were abandoned in our basements, attics, closets, cupboards and corners).

Just as clients must discern the difference tangible items that make their lives more appealing, robust, and fulfilled vs. those that crowd them out of their spaces, they must also evaluate how acquired activities can clutter their hours and days and diminish enjoyment of other experiences.

Some activities, we choose with enthusiasm; others have been pressed upon us. Perhaps your early May serf imagines that the late September version of you will be delighted to give a speech or take on another committee role. Frustratingly, we always imagine that Future Us will be less busy.

And we have all occasionally been guilted or cajoled into obligatory participation. Some tasks or roles have acceptable tradeoffs. I know that Paper Mommy didn’t enjoy the blessings of being a “room mother” year-after-year, going on field trips to the nature preserve or the science museum and having to help corral other people’s unruly offspring.

But (luckily) she enjoyed hanging out with tiny Paper Doll, and the experience gave her opportunities to tell hysterical anecdotes to her friends. You may not necessarily want to serve on the awards committee, coach your child’s soccer team, or help interview new applicants at work, but the benefits sometimes outweigh the costs. The key, however, is to protect yourself from requests for your time and labor that drain your energy and cause resentment by taking time away from your larger priorities.

If you don’t have the power to say no, freely, then you don’t really have the power to say yes.

Whether stuff or tasks, things should enter your life with your consent. But if you’re unused to declining, it will require effort to exercise new mental muscles. The rest of this post offers strategies to help you avoid being saddled with the clutter of new obligations and eliminate tasks that no longer fit your life, or at least the life you want to lead.

GET RID OF THE GUILT

There are many reasons why people fear saying no, but they almost always come down to fearing others’ reactions.

Sometimes, this has to do with social roles and the belief that our life’s role is to do for others. But remember my Flight Attendant Rule: You must put the oxygen mask over your own nose and mouth before attending to those traveling with you. Overloading yourself makes it impossible to be there for others, whether at your job, in your family, or among your friends or in your community. (And think back to what Abdaal said about investing your energy.) 

Guilt also comes from the fear that saying “No” will make you sound mean or unduly negative. The examples below will help you craft responses that are firm in guarding your boundaries but upbeat and positive in attitude so as to cushion your response in a way that feels more like kindness than rejection.

And in each case, the response means “No” without ever verbalizing the word.

FIRST, TAKE A PAUSE

Being polite is a given; being kind is a virtue. Imagine you’re having a rough day. You’re rushing to get to a client meeting but your tiny human is just not interested in putting on her shoes so you can get everyone into the car. Traffic is bad, and just as you get everyone unloaded, a PTA parent corners you with an “assignment.”

It would be instinctual to lash out and say, “Can’t you see I’m drowning? Can’t you see my nice suit for a presentation has dried cream of wheat on it because the tiny humans decided to have a food fight? What in the blankety-blank-blank makes you think I give a good bleep-bleep about organizing school spirit day?! I have no spirit, why should I care if everyone shows up wearing the same colors and why should I be the one to tell them to do it? Is your life so ridiculously so small and pitiful that school colors matter at all?!”

Instinctual, but halfway through that tirade, you’d notice parents making their own tiny humans back away from you, and furtively glancing at one another, and possibly at the school security guard. Your youngest is two, but you can now imagine parents giving you (and your kids) wide berth until all your offspring have graduated. (The one upside is that nobody will ever ask you to volunteer again!)

Instinct can make you blow up; taking a moment to pause and having a plan in place to say no without feeling like you’ve become a wild banshee may preserve your reputation (allow your kids to be able to invite friends over…someday).

NEXT, SHOW GRATITUDE

Start by thanking the person making the request.

Thank them? I can hear you screaming from here.

Yes, get in the habit of thanking people for asking for your help, whether you’re being asked to do something prestigious like speak at a conference or something that’s basically scut work. There are so many people, particularly those who are elderly or in the disability community, whose potential value is ignored by society, so take a moment to appreciate being considered at all.

Don’t thank them just because it’s polite; thank them because it gives you a moment to feel valued and appreciated, and because it forces you to pause and gather your resolve.

Begin with something like:

  • I appreciate you thinking of me for this.
  • Thank you for making me feel valued in our community (or workplace) 

Whatever you say after, you’ve softened the blow:

  • Thank you for considering me for this role, but I have to decline [for reasons].
  • I’m honored that you thought of me for this, but I have to pass [this time].

PICK AN APPROACH

Not every request requires the same style of response.

Assertive Stance

When dealing with an equal, whether professionally or socially, address the person in a straightforward manner, making clear that the rejection is not about them (or their pet project) but about you.

This way, you avoid them giving all sorts of reasons why they’ll be able to wave their magic wants and eliminate the aspect of the project you see is problematic. But focus on yourself, and there’s little most people can say.

(Obviously, if you encounter someone who thinks you should give up caring for your ill grandmother so you can do bus duty at the child’s school, you have my permission to fake-call your grandmother in front of this person to make them uncomfortable. Really go for it. “I know you need me to change your catheter/clear your feeding tube/relieve you of your unremitting loneliness since Grandpa died, but Betty here says she doesn’t feel you’re as important as bus duty.”)

State your situation without getting into the weeds. Focus firmly on setting and maintaining your boundaries, and use “I” statements to keep the rejection focused on what you can control. 

  • Unfortunately, I have to decline this opportunity. My plate is already full.
  • I’m sorry, but I can’t take on any more projects at the moment.
  • I need to focus on my existing priorities right now.

If you’re comfortable expressing your personal needs, expand your explanation to reference that you are focusing on your pre-existing obligations, self-care, and personal well-being. (You can similarly reference your family’s needs. Use that Grandma guilt!)

Photo by RepentAndSeekChristJesus on Unsplash

  • I’ve promised my children/spouse that I won’t take on any more activities that keep me away from the family. I’m sure you understand.
  • I need to decline this to maintain my work-life balance.
  • I’m prioritizing my health and well-being right now, so I can’t commit to anything extra.
  • I’ve learned to recognize my limits, and I can’t stretch myself any thinner.
  • I’m trying to prioritize my well-being, and taking on more isn’t conducive to that.
  • I’ve realized I need to make more time for myself, so I have to decline.

If someone tries to bulldoze through your boundaries, politely but firmly reiterate your stance. Don’t let their lack of civility hamper your skills at standing up for yourself. Be prepared to say something that shuts down the conversation.

  • Again, I’ll have to decline. It’s just not feasible for me right now.
  • As I said, I appreciate the offer, but I have to say no.
  • That won’t be possible.

Gentle Stance

Sometimes, you don’t feel that your professional or social relationship with the requesting individual is equal. For whatever, you may feel that you have to be more diplomatic or offer explanations that the other person will feel is more valid. There are a few ways to approach this.

The best way to approach this is to express enthusiasm for the offer and/or the project or regret that you can’t participate, or a combination, before identifying intractable obstacles. However, be cautious in how effusive you are about your enthusiasm and/or regret so as not to overplay your hand. 

  • This sounds fascinating. I wish I could say yes, but I have to decline because [reasons]
  • I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to participate because [commitments/reasons]
  • I’d love to help, but I’m already committed [to several specific prior obligations]

There are two variations to the gentle stance: delaying and being helpful.

Delaying Approach

Instead of an outright no, it may be useful to suggest the possibility of a postponement of your involvement. However, I caution you to only use this method if it’s realistic. It’s not fair to get someone’s hopes up that they will be able to count on you in the future, so only use this method if you believe it’s likely you will be able to help at some later point (or you believe there’s no likelihood you’ll be put in this situation again). It might sound like:

  • Ouch, there’s so much on my plate right now, so I’m not able take this on at the moment. Can we revisit this in [specific timeframe, like next semester or 3rd Quarter]?
  • I can’t commit right now, but let’s touch base after the holidays and see if my availability has changed.
  • I’ve decided to focus more on my career right now. Maybe next season.

Maybe your rejection isn’t because of the project or the time it will take up, but a specific aspect (you don’t want to work with on a committee MaryJane or you’re not comfortable attending the meetings because you’d have to drive home in the dark). Delaying allows you to revisit the request in the future and inquire about changes in circumstantial.

Helpful Approach

Sometimes, your “no” reflects your specific circumstances, but you do value the project, organization, or effort. If so, expand upon the ways of declining above, but add helpful suggestions or offers, like:

  • That won’t be possible, but I’m able to send you some bullet points on how I accomplished goals during the eleven (freakin’) years I served as committee chair!
  • I’m not able to take on this role, but I’d be happy to donate [X dollars, or my backyard, or my unused bongo set].
  • I’m really not qualified, but let me tell you who would be perfect for this.
  • So, yeah, based on everything I just said, I can’t do this, but TJ just rolled off the nominating committee and might be looking for some new role.
  • I’m not the right person for this, but this is right up Diane’s alley. She’s got an accounting background and is already at the school on Tuesday nights while her daughter is at drama club.

Obviously, don’t volunteer for a lesser role if you have no interest, and don’t suggest other people for something you know they’d be miserable doing (unless you really, really don’t like them).

Sometimes, the helpful approach isn’t for the other person, but for you. There will be times, usually in the workplace, where you will be asked to do something where, though the task is couched as a request, it’s really an order. You won’t be able to say no (and indeed, we would need another whole post, or possibly a book, to cover handling this).

If you’re asked to tackle something where you lack the skill set, the desire, and the time to handle this new project and everything else on your plate, don’t panic. Thank the person for their confidence in you (again, always start from a position of gratitude unless you’re actually ready to quit the job), reiterate all of your (work) obligations and ask for guidance in prioritizing. 

Two more options you might want to use, in combination with other responses, are flattery and humor.

Flattery

Sometimes, you can inveigle the other person into deciding they deserve better than what you are (un)willing to give:

  • Thank you for thinking of me, but I have too many obligations right now. I wouldn’t want to risk not giving this important project the attention it deserves.
  • Thanks, but I would rather decline now than risk doing a mediocre or rushed job. Your [project/committee/idea] deserves someone’s best effort.
Humor

In J.D. McClatchy’s Sweet Theft: A Poet’s Commonplace Book, writer and translator Estelle Gilson shares a translation of a rejection issued by a Chinese economic journal to someone who had submitted a paper. 

“We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity.”

The first time I read it, I laughed at the audacity of the hyperbole (even as I accounted for the cultural expectations likely inherent in the message). However, upon rereading, I recognized that while the Chinese recipient may (or may not) have found the rejection funny enough to be uplifting, humor may help you powerfully judge the “no” to a softer landing.

Lightening the mood makes it easier to state the refusal. You’ll feel more like you’re performing a “bit” and it’s just a touch distracting for the person on the receiving end. You don’t have to actually be funny ha-ha, but goofiness, snark, or hyperbole can dissipate the tension (or give you time to think of an exit line).

  • I tried cloning myself, but it did NOT go well. The FBI made me destroy my machine. 
  • If I agree to this, my cat might stage a protest. Can’t risk a kitty rebellion.
  • I’d love to help, but my superhero cape is at the dry cleaners.

Humor help you decline a request, but always employ a light touch to make sure it doesn’t come across as dismissive or rude.

Obviously, the appropriateness of humor will depend on the power structure of your relationship with the person whose request you’re declining and the context of the request. Saying no to your mother-in-law when she asks you to plan her 50th anniversary party is going to take a more deftness than telling your neighbor that you don’t want to join his Star Wars fan-fiction book club.

Remember, you are not asking for permission to say no. You are engaging in polite (and hopefully kind) communication in navigating the tricky negotiations of social and professional diplomacy.

Saying “no” to adding an unfulfilling obligation to your schedule lets you say “hell, yes!” to your priorities, your loved ones, your self-care, and your dreams.

Saying 'no' to adding an unfulfilling obligation to your schedule lets you say 'hell, yes!' to your priorities, your loved ones, your self-care, and your dreams. Share on X

Take a Break — How Breaks Improve Health and Productivity

Posted on: October 16th, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 17 Comments

If I asked what the single best thing you could do to improve your productivity was, what would you say? Would it be doing a brain dump of your tasks? Prioritizing what you need to do? Making a list? Avoiding multi-tasking? Eliminating interruptions?

What would you think if I told you that the best way to get the most out of everything you are doing is to stop doing it for a little while?

I know, it may sound counterintuitive, but taking a break instead of spending your day trying to power through is exactly what’s needed for your body, your brain, and your spirit, not to mention the actual work.

It may sound counterintuitive, but taking a break instead of spending your day trying to power through is exactly what's needed for your body, your brain, and your spirit, not to mention the actual work. Share on X

Let us not forget the trouble Alexander Hamilton found himself in when he failed to take a break. First, Eliza begged him to step away from his efforts to create a national banking system and pay attention to his son’s performance. (It’s a pity Lin-Manuel Miranda didn’t insert a verse from Cat’s In the Cradle!) Then his wife and sister-in-law begged him to “take a break,” and join them at their father’s place in upstate New York instead of struggling on in New York City.

(And, as fans of history and/or the musical Hamilton know, the failure to take a break from single-mindedly focusing on defeating Jefferson, et. al., and controlling the American economic future led, at least in part, to Hamilton making a poor personal decision (regarding Maria Reynolds), which led to others thinking he’d made a poor ethical and professional decision, which led to Hamilton blowing up his personal and professional lives. The whole second act is a testimonial for the vital importance of taking a break!)

But we don’t have to interpret musicals to know that taking breaks from our work or studying is essential for happy, productive lives. In “Give me a break!” A systematic review and meta-analysis on the efficacy of micro-breaks for increasing well-being and performance, researchers analyzed the results of 22 independent studies on the efficacy of work breaks for “enhancing well-being (vigor and fatigue) and performance.” They found that breaks were essential for replenishing mental and physical energy after work-related depletion, and that the more depleting a task is, the longer a duration of break is needed.  

And if neither musical arts nor academic research is enough to convince you, how about the effect, not only on workers, but on work? Eight years ago, an NPR piece, We’re Not Taking Enough Lunch Breaks. Why That’s Bad For Business, noted that only one in five people were stepping out of the office at lunchtime. The point wasn’t eating at work, but not stepping away from work. As we’ll see, that undermines our bodies, our minds, and the quality of the work we perform.

WHAT COUNTS AS A BREAK?

A break can be of varying durations for varying activities. How long does a break need to be to have a positive effect? That depends on the work you’re doing, how much energy it depletes, and the kind of break you’re taking.

How to Take Better Breaks at Work, According to Research from the Harvard Business Review, notes that shorter breaks can be effective but that the timing of breaks is also vital. For example, because fatigue intensifies as the day goes on, short (or at least shorter) breaks are more effective in the morning, but by late afternoon, longer breaks are necessary to yield positive results. 

So, what length breaks should we consider? 

20–20–20 Rule

This rule simply instructs that every twenty minutes of screen time, look away from the screen and focus on something at least twenty feet away for at least twenty seconds.

The 20–20–20 Rule is designed to prevent computer vision syndrome, particularly digitally-induced eye strain. Taking a break like this can also help reduce blurred vision, headaches, dry eyes, and neck and shoulder pain.

Eye Chart Photo by David Travis on Unsplash

Regular screen breaks of just one-third of a minute will give your baby blues (or browns or greens) much-needed rest, but maybe more. When something (like a phone alarm or alert on your screen telling you, “Look away! Look away!”) prompts you to take this momentary break for your vision, you’re likely to adjust more than your eyesight.

When you’ve been in flow, focused intently on what you’re reading on the screen, you’ve probably failed to pay attention to your posture (so you maybe slumped forward toward your screen) and your breathing. This super-quick break shakes everything loose.

Short Breaks 

A short break would be anything that takes less than 5 or ten minutes. Consider the break you might take when doing a series of Pomodoros, where you work for 25 minutes, then step away from the task at hand — and step away from your desk — to stretch, spend a few minutes on a puzzle, or play with your puppy.

Moderate Breaks

These are the kind we’ll be looking at in great detail over this post and the next one. There’s quite a bit of cross-over between the breaks that primarily help reset the body vs. the brain, but in broad strokes, these categories might include:

Breaks primarily for the body
  • Meal and snack breaks — Working through lunch is so bad for your physical and mental health that France outlawed eating at your desk all the way back in 1894! It’s called la pause déjeuner, and granted, it was for hygienic reasons, but now it’s recognized as good mental hygiene to step away to eat lunch mid-day and onboard some healthy(ish) snacks to energize the body, concentration, and focus. 
  • Nap breaks — Sure, not everyone is physically (or socially) able to take a power nap, but these mini-sleepytimes can pump up our energy and improve our ability to concentrate. In the US, this is more likely to be your jam if you work from home, unless your company has invested in nap pods, but there are many cultures where a nap break is considered part of the work day.
  • Walk breaks — Personally, nothing allows me to refresh my brain as well as getting my 10,000+ steps. While the prescription for 10K steps was made up by a Japanese pedometer company (and your personal peak number of steps depends on age and health), there’s something magical about pounding the pavement (or the lawn or the forest). Each successive step seems to clear mental fog; if I take a walk break when I’m facing a work problem (like how to tackle a blog post), the solution comes to me by the time my walk break is over.
  • Dance breaks — Pump up the jam! The advent of personal surround-sound means you can listen to music without Lloyd Dobbler standing outside your bedroom, hoisting a boom box playing “In Your Eyes” over his head. If you work alone, blast your tunes; otherwise, put on those Beats or Airpods, and play on your favorite song to make your own music video.

Find a conference room or classroom where nobody’s likely to disturb you, or head out behind the building, and shake your groove thang! Consider these suggestions for finding your go-do dance-along video:

Breaks primarily for the brain

Additionally, there are a variety of guided meditations on YouTube. For example:

Whether you aim for more formal guided meditations or gentle mindfulness activities like deep breathing, you’ll find that this kind of break can reduce your stress when you feel like you’re constantly tumbling <bleep>-over-teakettle.

  • Nature breaks — I’m probably the last person to think about communing with nature. I hate wind and rain and bugs and heat and the sound of frogs and crickets. I am generally an in-of-doors girl. But the Japanese practice of “forest bathing” (Shinrin-yoku) has been found to reduce blood pressure, alleviate depression, improve mental health, boost immune function, and more. Beyond that, getting away from your computer and focusing your eyeballs (and the rest of your sensory receptors) on something other than work will recharge the body and the brain, making the return to work more inviting.

And even I can find ways to enjoy nature! This past weekend, my friend and colleague Sara Skillen and I drove from our respective cities to meet at Sewanee — University of the South for lunch and a bit of a meander.

I love exploring college campus architecture, and we were both excited to walk the labyrinth in Abbo’s Alley, acres of campus with forest/woods, streams, stone bridges, a butterfly garden, gazebo, and other goodies. 

We spent over an hour in search of the labyrinth (not even shown in the calming video, above), ambling (and occasionally tripping) over tree roots and wobbly rocks. However, the combination of Sara’s stellar company, perfect temperatures, and the lack of bugs made our jaunt an ideal break from the typical workweek.

The intriguing thing is that taking a break to “touch grass” works even if you’re not walking or otherwise moving around enough to pump your blood; just sitting outside, even if your “outside” isn’t at all what most people would think of as “nature,” can still have a calming effect. 

  • Creativity breaks — Even if your workday involves creating, a creativity break can blow that layer of dust off of your mental capacity. You can’t usually step away from work to spend half a day creating, but you can blend your lunch break with some time for painting, drawing, playing a musical instrument, or journaling (by hand, if possible).
  • Appreciation breaks — Not every break requires producing something. Sometimes, when your brain is full of one thing, the solution is to fill it with something else, particularly something serene or delightful. Consider taking your lunch break at a nearby museum or art gallery, or just watch tiny humans playing in the park. Appreciate the elegance of ducks swimming on a pond or enjoy the colors and sounds of an open air market.
  • Social breaks — While reading social media has downsides, being social does not. I’m an extrovert, and there’s nothing that pumps me up more than taking a break to socialize. Of course, if you’re an introvert, you may not want to wade into loud, involved conversations with colleagues (or, heaven-forbid, strangers), because it may drain you of the mental energy you’re aiming to refresh. 

Whatever kind of break you take from daily work, select types of activities that will use different aspects of your brain than you were using to write reports, design web sites, study economics, etc. This allows the “part” of the brain that was overworked to rest and re-set. 

Full-Length Breaks: Vacations

I could (and probably should) write a post about the mental, physical, and productivity benefits for taking a long break, whether that’s a real weekend without looking at email or a two-week immersive vacation. Of course, not everyone gets paid vacation, but vacation-length breaks are essential to our health and vigor, which in turn, keep us productive, whether that means making the widgets to building society by raising a family (or, as is often the case, both).

THE BENEFITS OF TAKING A BREAK

When we take breaks throughout the workday, we reap the benefits of better overall physical and mental health, enhanced cognitive function, and improved job performance, all of which will improve our productivity. Let’s look at some of the key advantages of incorporating regular breaks in your work routine.

Enhanced Physical Health

When we incorporate any breaks in our day that involve physical activity or movement, whether it’s stretching, walking, or exercise, it contributes to improved physical health. We improve the blood circulation throughout our bodies (including to our brains!) while reducing the muscle tension that leads to headaches, body strain, and repetitive stress disorders like carpal tunnel syndrome.

We also prevent the various negative health effects of prolonged sedentary behavior. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “Sitting is the new smoking.” As I explained in Paper Doll on The Truth(s) About Standing Desks, it’s not that standing desks are that much better. Sitting is bad because when you sit all day, your telomeres (the tiny caps on the ends of DNA strands) get shorter, and the rate at which the body ages and decays speeds up. However, standing all day (like at a standing desk) isn’t necessary all that much better. What is important is movement, and you generally have to take a break from work to get moving! 

Walking Photo by Arek Adeoye on Unsplash

Stress Reduction

Varying reports note that workplace-related stress affects up to 80% of American workers. That’s estimated to cost anywhere from $150 billion to $300 billion. That economy-busting stress isn’t going to disappear if we add a few extra breaks each day for mental clarity, but we can turn this around on a personal level.

Breaks in our workday give us the opportunity to reduce stress levels and alleviate the pressure of constantly being focused on work (and the related external expectations place on us). When we engage in any kind of activity that promotes relaxation, we can lower blood pressure (which is good for both the body and the psyche), improve mood, and enhance a sense of well-being. 

When we think about stress-reduction activities, we often focus on time-intensive tasks, like a yoga class or long hike, but short-term activities like mindfulness exercises, deep breathing, and brief walks (around the building or around the block) can have similar mental health benefits for reducing stress.

Take a Break Photo by Tara Winstead 

Increased Energy and Motivation

When we take breaks throughout the workday, the physical and mental health benefits described above will have a domino effect, knocking down (and out) other problems.

When we take stop what we’re working on to eat, nap, socialize, exercise, or just remove ourselves from hyper-focus on our work, we replenish our energy, both our physical capacity (with improved blood pressure and balanced blood glucose levels) but also our mental capacity.

Conversely, if we don’t take breaks, we’re more likely to suffer from burnout. A 2022 study from Aflac found that 59% of workers were experiencing burnout, and 86% of those reported experiencing anxiety, depression, and sleep difficulties in the prior year, so this is not a negligible concern.

Setting aside time for physical movement, relaxation, and self-care boosts our sense of well-being, which tops off our enthusiasm, and in turn, that improved motivation boosts our ability to perform and sustain our productivity. Whoohoo!

Improved Focus, Memory, Concentration

Contrary to our assumptions that we should always power through our work, our brains need novelty. Researchers at the University of Illinois found that the longer we focus on something, the more likely the occurrence of a “vigilance decrement,” where our “attentional resources” start to plummet. It’s like how we are aware of how cold the ocean is when we jump in, but the longer we’re exposed, the more we get used to it. Or, to use a clichéd metaphor, we’re the frog in the boiling water. 

Our brains respond to change, and the longer we go without change, the less efficient they are. Breaks don’t just rev us up; they help prevent the mental fatigue that sets in when we’ve tried to work too hard or too long. When we get lost in those mid-afternoon cobwebs, a break can enhance concentration, allowing the brain to rest and recharge.

Periods of mental rest, whether through mindfulness, activity, or sleep have the power to help us consolidate our memories and improve learning. And this is all as true for kids as for adults!

Short break periods jazz our bodies. We might imagine that a vigorous walk or dancing around to Taylor Swift would pump too much blood to our brains, making it hard to focus, but the opposite is true. Relaxation, whether it’s arrived at through calming activities like meditation or energizing ones like physical activity, will boost cognitive resources. In turn, it enables people to improve and maintain attention, allowing more effective and efficient focus on the work at hand!

Prevention of Decision Fatigue

Decision fatigue occurs when we are faced with too many overwhelming choices without adequate rest, whether for our bodies or our brains. However, breaks can play a crucial role in preventing decision fatigue; just a short pause for the right kind of physical or mental stimulation and/or relaxation can reset cognitive resources.

When we have decision fatigue, we may make poor choices, or procrastinate on making any choices at all. Breaks can give us the resilience to make better decisions and maintain a higher level of productivity, using those decisions to move our projects forward.

Enhanced Creativity and Problem-Solving

We all know what it feels like when our brains get stale. We cease coming up with fresh takes (or even fresh words), which turns into a vicious cycle. If we’re not feeling creative and can’t solve our problems, we’re going to feel bored, unenthusiastic, and stressed out!

Taking breaks fosters divergent thinking and spikes creativity, so we can approach tasks from fresh perspectives. Just stepping away from work for a short time — and focusing on the right energy-boosting replacement tasks — can stimulate more innovative ideas and solutions, improving our problem-solving skills and pumping up our creative mojo.

Per the NPR piece I quoted earlier, Kimberly Elsbach (a Professor Emerita Fellow, Academy of Management University at the California Davis Graduate School of Management), an expert in workplace psychology, noted that never leaving your office or your desk is “…really detrimental to creative thinking. It’s also detrimental to doing that rumination that’s needed for ideas to percolate and gestate and allow a person to arrive at an ‘aha’ moment.” Aha, indeed!

It’s essential to recognize the positive impact of breaks on physical, mental, and emotional well-being so that we can remember to prioritize these pauses and integrate them into our daily work routines. This is key to us fostering balanced, productive approaches to taking on our responsibilities.

Not all breaks are created equal

Pausing work to scroll through social media won’t have the same benefits as the kinds of breaks discussed earlier in this post. First, everything from the death-grip on our phones to the poor posture of arching necks over screens to the blue light of cell phones is bad for physical health; plus, you’re likely to remain just as stationary as when you were working! Beyond that, social media rarely reflects the kind of psychologically neutral or uplifting content that boosts mood or cognition.

Similarly, smoke breaks aren’t good breaks. While they may yield some social benefit, data on smoking’s physical devastation on the body and brain is clear. Moreover, research finds that smokers have thinner cerebral cortex than non-smokers. (The cerebral cortex is essential for learning and memory, so thicker tissue is better.) Smoking reduces the ability to learn and remember, key requirements for productivity!

TAKE A READING BREAK

For further reading on the importance of breaks for health and productivity, you may wish to read:

Breaks During the Workday (Michigan State University)

Give Us a Break (Compass Group)

How to Take Better Breaks at Work, According to Research (Harvard Business Review)

BETTER BREAKS AROUND THE WORLD

In full disclosure, this post started out as a look at how other cultures embrace taking breaks as part of coping with excessive workloads. Instead, this is the prequel, a what-and-why for improving your vitality and productivity with breaks. Next week’s follow-up post, Take a Break for Productivity: the International Perspective is where the real fun will be, as we look at fun and tasty examples of “take a break” culture around the world. 

Spoilers: the Swedes take the cake (figuratively and literally) and first place when it comes to taking breaks!

Use the Rule of 3 to Improve Your Productivity

Posted on: October 2nd, 2023 by Julie Bestry | 16 Comments

It’s Monday — the first Monday of a new month, of a new quarter, and the last quarter of the year. It may suddenly feel like a lot is riding on getting things crossed of your list so you can make those dreams come true before 2023 is in the rear-view mirror.

RECAPPING THE ESSENTIALS OF TACKLING YOUR TO-DO LIST

Back in May, in Frogs, Tomatoes, and Bees: Time Techniques to Get Things Done, we looked at a spate of productivity concepts for breaking down the hours of your (preferably time-blocked) day to effectively use your discretionary time (that is, the part of your schedule not determined by your boss, school, or firmly-scheduled obligations). We started with the essential elements of accomplishing things:

Knowing what to do — This involves a brain dump to capture every potential task stuck in your head, adding to it from everything in your various in-boxes and buckets (GTD-style), and creating a master list, whether that’s pen-on-paper or a task app.

Knowing what to do first — Prioritizing tasks involves a complex intersection of what is important and urgent. We shorthanded the process with the Eisenhower Matrix (which, as explained in Paper Doll Shares Presidential Wisdom on Productivity, wasn’t invented by the Ike we like, but was attributed to him due to a speech he gave and was made more famous by Stephen Covey).

The Eisenhower Matrix gives you the opportunity to (literally or just figuratively) graph each task from your massive brain-dumped list to identify where it falls along a continuum of importance and urgency. From January through mid-April, filing your taxes is important, but it only becomes more urgent as St. Patrick’s Day is behind you and April 15th draws nearer.

Conversely, this Friday’s registration date for an adult education class on French cooking has what appears to be an urgent task; however, if learning how to make Julia Child’s famed Boeuf Bourguignon isn’t that compelling and you were only doing it to please your mother-in-law, it may fall low on the importance scale.

Julia Child on KUHT/By KUHT via wikimedia commons

A big part of identifying the value of a task may involve looking at what your motivation is. You perform extrinsically-motivated behaviors in order to receive some external reward (or to avoid an external punishment). You might work at a job for a paycheck, work hard in a class to get the grades that allow you to get a scholarship, or make that Boeuf Bourguignon to keep the peace between family members (because it’s hard for people to snipe when their mouths are full).

Intrinsically-motivated behaviors are those that you do because they fulfill you personally. These include passion projects like volunteering, participating in hobbies and sports, or even simultaneously compelling but challenging life activities, like parenting. 

Sometimes, you may find yourself frustrated that the very things you value for your sanity-preserving self-care are less valued by society. (This is largely because, as we discussed in our series on toxic productivity, late-stage capitalism values producing work that yields revenue, generally for the people above you in the hierarchy. Sigh.)

Of course, the ideal is to find opportunities for extrinsically- and intrinsically-motivating behaviors to dovetail. When that happens, the things that are important are easier to accomplish because they give you personal fulfillment and extrinsic rewards.

Making something a high priority, per se, doesn’t ensure that you’ll do it, but if that task is important, not just for keeping you out of debtor’s prison but also making your heart sing, you’ll do it less begrudgingly, and if it’s urgent, you’ll find you’re less likely to procrastinate. 

You’re probably not going to find that your love of the game will allow you to become a professional pickleball player — more power to you if you do! — but you may find that by becoming more efficient and effective at your for-a-paycheck job will yield more free time to pursue a passion that could turn into a new livelihood.

Once you gauge your each task’s relative importance and urgency, you can move forward to knowing what to get done today (vs. delaying to later in the week), what you might delegate, and what you can hang it in the maybe/someday closet.

Do it! — The final piece of the puzzle involves making time to do what you’ve decided to accomplish.

MANAGING OUR DAYS BY MANAGING OUR HOURS

Back in that post I referenced, Frogs, Tomatoes, and Bees: Time Techniques to Get Things Done, I reviewed well-known and lesser techniques for hunkering down and getting tasks done. I encourage you to read the prior post for details of the methods you find less familiar, but in general, the post reviewed:

Pomodoro Timer by Michael Mayer CC By 2.0 Deed

  • The Pomodoro Technique — At its most basic, the process involves identifying a task to work on now, setting a timer for 25 minutes, focusing on that task for 25 minutes without interruption, and taking a short break. Proponents believe it short-circuits procrastination but detractors note that it prevents getting into a flow state.
  • Tocks — This variation on the Pomodoro Technique involves working 45 minutes rather than 25, and adds the step of taking note of distractions as they arise for later analysis.
  • The 90-Minute Focus Block — Here, the work blocks expand to 90 minutes and the breaks extend to 20. The expanded time frame is based on research in neurobiology and how our brains use potassium and sodium ions to conduct electrical signals indicates a biological component to our ability to effectively focus.
  • 52/17 Method — Splitting the difference between the traditional Pomodoro and the 90-Minute Focus Block, this accents 52-minute sprints of dedicated and intense work followed by mentally-refreshing breaks. It’s backed by behavioral analysis rather than neurobiology. 
  • The Flowtime Technique — This method starts like all of the others, with uninterrupted work sessions, but instead of ceasing at the behest of an alarm or other external force, you work until you start to feel distracted or mentally or physically fatigued. While this method involves a lot of administrative work for logging both distractions and statistics regarding work patterns, it’s probably the most ideal for creative endeavors, as you ignore the clock and embrace the flow.

These methods work in concert with the principles we’ve discussed regarding time blocking, particularly from these two posts:

Struggling To Get Things Done? Paper Doll’s Advice & The Task Management & Time Blocking Virtual Summit 2022

Highlights from the 2023 Task Management & Time Blocking Summit

Putting it all together, you figure out what you need to do (overall), identify your priorities, and block your time to ensure ample space in your schedule for accomplishing tasks. Then you get to it!

USE THE RULE OF 3 TO KEEP LIFE FROM GETTING IN THE WAY

All of the above is great for once you get your butt in the chair and have identified a specific task, but let’s face it, getting to that point? It’s a lot.

If you work in an environment where most of your daily schedule can be firmly set in stone (or bytes) with very little to distract you, you’re lucky. But most people experience a multitude of interruptions from co-workers and bosses and tiny humans and senior parents (whether they have physical challenges or just need tech support). Others are dealing with mental and physical health crises and have limited spoons (that is, energy and capacity) to get through the day, let alone accomplish prioritized tasks.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, there’s a productivity principle that can help you get a foothold when things feel like their going off the rails.

It’s called the Rule of 3. 

At its most basic, the Rule of 3 asks you to apply your focused attention, intentionally, to three goals or main tasks for a specific time frame. Generally, and the way we’re going to examine it, that time frame is a day, but you could apply it to a week (or a four-day conference, or a working weekend) or whatever period of time you need.

The key is that you are concentrating on a small number of crucial tasks to maximize your focus, your effectiveness, and your overall productivity. The steps are simple:

Identify three key tasks. 

When you plan your day, identify the three most important goals or tasks that you want to accomplish. These may all be work tasks, or they could be a combination: one key work task, one goal item for your family, and one for self-care.

1, 2, 3 Photo by Magda Ehlers

These three should be whatever you think will have the most significant impact on your personal projects, your work projects, or whatever matters the most to you.

And obviously these aren’t the only three things you’re going to get done in a day. You’re not going to skip processing email or picking your kid up from Drama Club or brushing your teeth. We ALL do more than three things in the day. But the Rule of 3 says:

Whatever else I’m doing today, I am absolutely focusing my time and attention to

GET THESE THREE GLORIOUS TASKS COMPLETED!

We’ve already talked at length about the value of the Eisenhower Matrix in prioritizing, and that’s a great place to start, but there are other concepts to help you pick your three key tasks.

Parkinson’s Law states that work expands to fill the time available for its completion. We’ve all had days where we fiddled around and didn’t start working on “the thing” until just about the time we knew we had to being in order to finish on time.

But imagine not doing that. Imagine getting the thing done. And then the next thing. And one more. Imagine not taking all the time available and just taking the time necessary. 

Limiting yourself to three tasks creates a sense of urgency. If you recognize that to honor your obligation to yourself, you will focus on achieving the three key tasks, you cut procrastination off at the pass. No fiddling.

Next, experts in cognitive psychology have found that we generally have limited attention and cognitive resources. We get tired. We get bored. We get distracted. We get antsy. We get hangry. By narrowing your focus to a small number of tasks, you are able allocate your attention and mental energy more effectively, which aligns with the Rule of 3’s idea of prioritization.

Finally, Hick’s Law is a psychological principle that says that the time it takes to make a decision increases with the number and complexity of choices. Once you limit your choices for the day to just three key tasks, you are reducing the signal-to-noise ratio and the decision-making complexity. The less you must think about doing, the more you can focus on the task at hand. (And remember, you can always do more of your important (and urgent) things once you’ve done your big three!) 

Commit to each of the three priorities and focus.

OK, yes, you still have three things, and you’ll have to decide which of these to do first, and second, and third. You’ll have to figure out into which time block you’ll slot each item. And then you’ll have to blur out two of them while you focus on a third.

In theory, the Rule of 3 calls on you to focus your energy and attention on completing these tasks before moving on to less critical or lower-priority activities. And obviously it discourages multitasking and giving into distractions while working toward finishing the key goals. You can use any of the focused work-session techniques listed up above once you sit down to focus on the task, but before you can focus on the tasks, you have to commit to them, to the idea that you WILL do these three key tasks today.

OK, let’s step back.

Paper Doll recognizes the need for a reality check. You will not always be able to tackle all three key tasks first before getting on with your day unless your efforts do not require the involvement of other human beings (whether tiny humans or large egos).

For example, last Friday, my car was finally ready for pickup. It’s been a long two months since it was stolen, recovered, and had to go through many, many repairs. (For reference, Organize to Prevent (or Recover From) a Car Theft tells the initial tale; everything since has been a nightmare of dropped balls, global supply chain failures, and random poopyheads.) But I also wanted to get my flu shot and had two essential financial tasks.

The car issue was actually a series of interlocking tasks. I had to confirm the specifics with the body shop, and wanted to view and approve all the work before paying my deductible and returning the rental car, which involved more phone calls and scheduling, and I needed to approve the last round of digital insurance payments.

The car goal was both important and urgent, as I didn’t want to be charged for further days of the rental car, and frankly, I missed my adorable red Kia Soul as if it were a child away at summer camp for far too long. But while most of the car’s mechanical and body work were completed, there were a few painting-related flaws, and a review of the final no-longer-estimated estimate yielded lots of new questions. However, by staying single-minded on the task and not being distracted by calls, texts, and emails, it eventually got done, and I felt an immense sense of relief and completing this key task for my day.

Getting my flu shot involved confirming that my pharmacy had the flu vaccine and that no appointment was necessary. (Last year, appointments were required and only given on certain days of the week, which often conflicted with my client schedule.) And the bank tasks, though easy, were dependent in part on the arrival of the mail, and the fill-in postal carrier did not deliver the mail until close to 6 p.m.

Celebrate your wins! 

Being successful with the Rule of 3 means acknowledging completion of the task and feeling satisfaction. Far too often, we rush through what we must do without celebrating that we’ve actually done it. However, taking the time to celebrate wins improves your confidence, boosts your motivation, and will make it easier to approach other tasks (especially long-avoided ones) with verve.

For a sense of psychological benefit of this step in completing key tasks (particularly those we might define as “adulting,”) I direct you to Hazel Thornton’s recent post, High Five Friday. She explores turning this celebration of completion of key tasks from a solitary act into a social one, and as I’ve watched people follow Hazel’s lead, the evident delight people experience is palpable!

Re-evaluate, or Lather/Rinse/Repeat: The “What’s Next?” Step.

OK, so you figured out what to do, did it, and gave yourself an atta-girl or atta-boy. Now review the process. Evaluate your progress to determine the big question: what’s next?

(Fans of The West Wing recognize the power of those two words. Lin-Manuel Miranda created this video for the late, great The West Wing Weekly podcast. There are two profanities within (at :50 and 1:04), so please be forewarned.)

This is the time to evaluate your progress (and your process for getting there). Determine the next three most important tasks to focus on, whether that’s for the remainder of today, or for tomorrow, or your next key time period.

You’re creating a continuing cycle of identifying key tasks, prioritizing them, completing them, doing a happy dance and high-fiving yourself, and reevaluating what worked and what didn’t. All of this is designed to help you maintain a higher level of the good, non-toxic kind of productivity that keeps you aligned with your ultimate goals.

Why does the Rule of 3 work?

First, it’s simple, so you may actually try it. Everyone loves a new productivity technique, but the more working parts, the less likely you will be to do more than think about using it.

Second, three is a magic number.

Whether it’s “lions and tigers and bears” or “faith, hope, and charity” or if you’ve been hearing a lot about the Roman Empire lately, “friends, Romans, countrymen.” It’s easy to keep three daily priorities in your head, so if you check in with yourself at lunchtime or mid-afternoon to see how you’re doing on your goals, you can mentally measure your progress in seconds.

Finally, and most importantly, the Rule of 3 is an effective approach because it prevents the overwhelm and decision fatigue that often results from having a long, fiddly, and overwhelming to-do list.

The Rule of 3 is an effective approach because it prevents the overwhelm and decision fatigue that often results from having a long, fiddly, and overwhelming to-do list. Share on X

Narrowing your focus to just three tasks sets you up to more efficiently allocate your time and energy, so you can accomplish more meaningful things. Again, this may be work, but could be personal enrichment or self-care. Completing a project for work may be important, but exercising and having essential medical appointments and living a fulfilled life are of inestimable importance and urgency. In other words, you matter. Paper Doll says so!

ADAPT THE RULE OF 3 TO YOUR NEEDS

As with any productivity concept, the Rule of 3 is a only guideline. There is no “boss” of the Rule of 3 in the same way that practitioners of GTD look to David Allen; indeed, I’ve done extensive research and have yet to find an originator. I originally read about the Rule of 3 almost ten years ago in Chris Bailey‘s The Productivity Project: Accomplishing More by Managing Your Time, Attention, and Energy.

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Bailey, in turn, learned of it from J D Meier in his book, Getting Results the Agile Way.

I strongly believe that the “rules” in productivity only exist to give us lanes to follow. Stick to the rules until you identify ways you can modify them to more effectively support you. Then head off-road. Do you, boo!

You may choose to use the Rule of 3 daily, or only on work days. Perhaps you’ll find you only need it when life gets overwhelming, or when you’re counting down days to vacation and have to focus on what allows you to actually get out of Dodge and get to someplace sun-drenched.

However you apply it, the key concept is that you’re going to maintain a balance between setting ambitious goals and being realistic about what you can accomplish within a specific timeframe with your entirely human, non-robot, body.

For Further Exploration

If you’d like to read more about the Rule of 3, consider the following:

Get More Done With the Rule of 3 (The Art of Manliness)

How to Use the Rule of 3 to Get More Done and Regain Control of your Day (The Ladders)

The Rule Of Three: A Productivity Hack to Achieve Your Goals Right Now (Dan Silvestre)

If you focused on just three things today, what would they be? 

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